I don’t know about you, but some days I struggle with the insanity and madness that continues to permeate our world and struggle to figure out how I can manage all of that within my beliefs of who I truly am. Where is the balance between allowing it to be perfect as it is and seeing injustice and the continued destruction of our physical environment and human rights? Some days I scroll through my social media and am so inspired by the amazing things that people are doing in the world and other days, like today, I am so disillusioned by the ridiculous policies that our Governments keep introducing and the continued acceptance of this nonsense by the population. That people can be so bamboozled and sucked in by catch-lines and propaganda is beyond me. That people can sit and watch the news and BELIEVE everything that they are told is mind-bending to me. I cannot comprehend this.
So what can I do about other people and their thoughts? Nothing.
I cannot change anyone’s opinion. I cannot get them to question their beliefs. I cannot do anything to change legislation that has already been passed. The process for appealing something within the Government is so complicated and comprehensive that you need to have a degree in Public Policy just to understand the process!
But I digress. What I CAN do is not to put my head in the “sand” and forget that any of it is happening, but I can take my energy away from the insanity. I can stop getting angry about the things I cannot change and channel my energy into the world I do want to create. I CAN put my energy into the things that I love, that bring joy, that inspire others and to look to ethical leaders who are living in their truth and whose voices and actions are creating more love, more peace, more compassion into our world.
I want a world with more love.
I want a world with more peace.
I want a world with more conscious be-ing.
I want a world where the air, water and food is fresh and nurtured in a way that honours the Earth.
I want a world where we all care for this biosphere that we call home.
I want a world where people care…
…and so I become it.
We are at a critical juncture in history. We have a choice to continuing to be a consuming, ravaging species who uses up all resources until we have nothing left, including the air we breathe, the water we drink and the food that we consume, OR, we can be conscious consumers who make caring and compassionate decisions about things that sustain us, what we invest in, about how we treat others and who we are as a species. Even the amazing Alan Watts warned about this in 1970, that was four years before I was born!
We have the power to change the direction and create a world that not only survives, but thrives. But to do that WE need to make good choices. We need to put our energy into sustainability, into ethical practices and wise and conscious global leaders like Ralph Smart, as well as the people in your own personal circle. Invest in the wisdom in your community. Invest in the wisdom in the shining lights in your world and most importantly, invest in yourself. Be that inspiriting person that can inspire others through spirit. Look to others living through spirit.
What sort of world do you want to live in?
Create it today with every interaction, every thought, every action.
We can change the world one person at a time.
Practice compassion...always, in all ways.
It starts with you.
It starts with me.
It starts today.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2015
“We wanted to be real,” Mandy said. As a larger figured person with “big bones and muscles” Mandy and Awhina wanted to create a lifestyle transformation that was “achievable…for the real person.”
The thing I most remember about my former teaching colleague, Mandy Francisty, was her increasingly shrinking body when she was training for the International Natural Bodybuilding Association competition in 2010. She wrote a number on her hand to remind her how many days until she competed and I remember admiring her determination and commitment to her sport and very strict diet. At the time, we were working at the same school and I have to admit, I was a little jealous of her beautiful physique and motivation to succeed.
Mandy went on to win the Tasmanian title, came third in Australia and last year competed in the world titles in her family’s home country of Slovakia and has recently started a personal training business with her friend Awhina Matthews-Egnot. Heavy Lifting Hippies is a response to a culture where stick-thin models are the ideal. “We wanted to be real,” Mandy said. As a larger figured person with “big bones and muscles” Mandy and Awhina wanted to create a lifestyle transformation that was “achievable…for the real person.”
Both Mandy, 28 and Awhina, 25 shared a love of lifting weights and the same outlook on training and good nutrition and Mandy said that they thought they were finding happiness, but they weren’t, they needed balance but they were also aware that there was a better way. They started an Instagram page @HeavyLiftingHippies to share their sport and passions and were pleasantly surprised by the response. They set up the website and had a photoshoot and soon they were getting clients.
Their services are online and can be accessed anywhere there is Internet connection and they provide weekly contact with their clients as well as a detailed nutritional assessment. Mandy now works as the head Personal Trainer at Fitness Renegades in Perth, Western Australia and Awhina lives in New Zealand. “It’s based on a balanced lifestyle but still achieve a physique with flexible dieting…it’s really a lifestyle transformation…We teach our clients to work with the body,” she said. “It’s about having a happy and healthy body,” Mandy said.
As well as a love of surfing, skating and weights, Mandy and Awhina also grew up without a positive self-esteem and found that lifting weights was empowering and they want to share that passion with their clients. “Being a PT, you can see the results in our clients with an increase in their self-esteem,” and they encourage clients to accept their bodies as they are. “It’s more important to be fit and healthy…it’s very rewarding…inspiring other people,” she said.
It’s funny but both Mandy and I have moved away from teaching for similar reasons to do with the bureaucratic nonsense that exists in education, but mostly because it wasn’t where our passion lay. “I went overseas and realised that life’s too short, the world is massive and there are so many opportunities,” she said. Mandy is full of ideas and has another business in the pipeline, FitBooty, a line of female underwear for training. “I used to be stressed, but now I just relax and roll with it,” she said.
I find Mandy to be an inspiration and unfortunately I didn’t get to meet Awhina but I’m sure that their project will be amazing and continue to grow. I am inspired by young people challenging traditional beliefs about health and fitness and more importantly accepting their bodies as they are, inspiring others but also putting in a lot of love, time and macronutrients.
I avoided weight training for years because I thought that I would bulk up, but I feel fitter, stronger and more flexible than I’ve ever been in my life and Mandy and Awhina are right, you do need to work with the body you have and feed it quality food so it works the best that it can.
Six months ago I was in a job I hated. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression. I then took a leap of faith and quit my job. I have been so much happier (and healthier) since. As always I am inspired by another two amazing women who are following their bliss and their passion and serving the world in a way that they can be authentically who they are and in that way, they are changing the world.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
What do you fear?
I do not fear death, or acts of terrorism.
I do not fear being physically hurt or abused.
But crocodiles scared the bejesus out of me! They seem all very cute until you see a five metre female in the height of the wet season marching towards you and your child. Luckily we were separated by chicken wire! Gulp!
But those are only little fears. It’s the deep, dark fears that I’ve hidden deep in my psyche, which define my daily decisions. For example, as a child I remember my mother warning me to run to higher ground if the water at the sea receded quickly, I probably was no more than nine. I am now deathly scared of tsunamis, so as a result I always try to live at the highest point of a city (with the exception of Broome which is completely flat)! Having said that, my fear of tsunami was one of the things that made me leave Broome, a place I loved living. Stupid? Yes, it is. I didn’t even realise until recently that even when I’m at the beach, I’m always making an exit strategy in the case of tsunami. It’s unconscious, but I do it.
It wasn’t my mother’s fault that I’m afraid of tsunamis, but something that in that moment I started telling myself. I have had nightmares about tsunamis for years, but it never quite looks like that video of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. The waves are always at least 100m high and there is never a way out. Sometimes I run, sometimes I let it take me, sometimes I hold onto debris for dear life. I usually wake before it ends.
I once said to a friend that my worst nightmare would be to be in an underwater cave in scuba gear, but I can see now that I need to add a tsunami to that worst nightmare.
Scuba gear and caves, easy fears to recognise – fear of enclosed spaces and not being able to get out or breathe. Wow, you’re learning a lot about me here! Mazes are another source of frustration and irritation for me. Like caves, you don’t always know your way out, that lack of control and being lost and scuba breathing is about running out of breath without time to surface, so in many ways it’s a fear of drowning. I imagine that comes from a past-life experience of drowning at sea en-route to the Australian colonies.
But the fear that most surprised me when I started exploring my fears in depth was the following: I am petrified about being a bride in my own wedding; to have people looking at me as the centre of attention and a man looking at me in complete love and devotion. Even writing that down I feel a tremendous anxiety in my chest and I just want to run away! But today I made a commitment to practice feeling what it might feel like to have the excitement of a wedding, of feeling the love radiating from my loved ones as I share the moment with them and of course feeling what it might be like to feel loved from a man, my best friend, who adores me.
It’s probably easy enough to embrace the scuba diving fear and take some lessons, it’s probably easy enough to learn to let go of control by going to the local mazes and get completely lost and embrace that feeling. I have done a bit of caving and unlike my peers who found it exciting, I found it traumatic, I should probably do more of that, or at least feel what it would be like and embrace that feeling for what it is. Tsunamis? I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that one, but learning to live on the flats might be something that I might have to embrace in the future. But the fear of marriage, of being loved so much that someone wants to share their life with me, of being someone’s wife/partner, I have to just put conscious effort into feeling what it might be like.
I wish I knew where that fear came from?
OMG! I know what it is! When I was nine, I was a flower-girl in my auntie’s wedding and my instructions were to start walking down the aisle when the music started. The music started and I started walking…everyone thought that I was adorable…but it was the wrong music! I was chastised and the only other thing I remember was falling asleep afterwards in my dress, even though I wasn’t supposed to. The only two things I remember about my first wedding were getting in trouble!! And I probably wasn’t even in big trouble!
Oh, it’s such little things! Seeing it all as an adult, it seems all so silly, but as a child, somewhere I associated weddings with being embarrassed in public! No wonder I fear being the centre of attention! It was so deep in my psyche that I never linked the two events until now.
Wow! Mind blown!
So, I am embracing my fears and learning to feel what it would be like to explore each of those things. As you know from previous posts, I am working through my stuff about being loved by the masculine and fear of commitment. It doesn’t mean that I’m getting married or want a wedding, it's about me just learning to love the feeling of what it might feel like to be loved by the masculine and be the centre of attention!
With the sensationalist media stories dominating the headlines, we, as a population, live in a sort- of controlled fear-state, but it’s not terrorism that we need to fear. It is the hidden fears that we have deep within us that keep us trapped in patterns of behaviour that we do, without thinking. It’s those fears that we need to face and learn to feel what it is to face them within the safety of our minds and bodies.
What are your fears? And when are you going to start facing them?
I am not afraid. I am safe. I surround my world with love and compassion.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
“When love is happening, don’t hanker for permanency. Think and brood, meditate and contemplate…the eternal. These moments are rare, love moments. Windows open easily, melting happens easily.
I saw this quote on Facebook recently and it hit me so suddenly, I have been using the ego as my main driver in my love interactions. My love comes with attachment, with expectations, with conditions. I wanted to find out why.
During the past 12 months I’ve undergone a transformation of sorts. It was triggered by two events; the sexual healing courses that I did with Leyolah Antara at Kundalini Dance and meeting and connecting with GSM (Gorgeous Sexy Man – see posts here or scroll down, I write about my growth with him a bit!).
Both events have awoken amazing energies within me that have brought my ego to the forefront to be released as an entity that runs my life. I have had two periods in the past 12 months where I felt like I was ready to die, to transition to a new state and I finally feel like I’m ready to shift it. At that time, this is what I wrote in my journal:
“I don’t know why I’m here, what is the point of my life? I’m missing something, there’s something that I should know but I don’t. I feel like I’m still living on the edge of life and not quite engaged in it.
Two nights ago I felt the strongest urge to die…the death that I felt was like, not a physical transition, but a movement upwards – all I can find on the net talks about ego death, but that can’t be it can it?
I feel like I’m just playing the game of life and filling the roles and somehow waiting for my life to begin, meanwhile 40 years have passed. When will my life begin? What is it that I’m missing? What is it that I’ve forgotten? I don’t understand the purpose of being here, now.
…I am so lost right now. I am at a crossroads and I have no idea where to go or what to do….
(Then this voice says) “You need to die to be reborn”
What does that mean? What does that look like?
“Let go and let us worry about the details.”
Let go? Of what?
“Of the illusion that you are this body; this life. “
(So I did some googling and found this quote by) Jeffrey M. Solomon which said (sorry I don’t have the reference):
“To let go of the body is to deny the ego. Death is the ultimate test of our faith in what we believe to be real. To face death – and the prospect of the end of the illusion and ego…it is the fear of death and lack of faith – that is the certainty of knowing yourself as a spiritual being as an energy being and an eternal being – that holds us captive.”
The transition is not about a physical death, or a death of my body, but more of a death of the mind, moving into a no-mind state where I am driven by spirit and love what is, no matter what arises. That is, to accept things without judgement, expectation or fear and be grateful for what is. I do not fear death, nor am I rushing towards it.
It’s been a cognitive knowing for quite some time, I even wrote about it previously (link) but I was verging on surrender for so long that I’m ready to let it go, to live my life, driven by spirit not my head.
That feeling of ego death comes and goes for me, but one of my favourite healers Christine Paskett said that it is a part of the process; it was a time of acclimatising and assimilating the learnings. Sort of like when you climb a mountain, the body can’t cope with the atmosphere, so you have to go up to get used to it and then return down before rising up again. It’s like that with spiritual growth, sometimes you come back down to clear out any of the debris left from the patterns to make sure that you understand it before going back up to a higher state of awareness. That’s why when you think you’ve dealt with all those issues, they come back up for clearing.
Every day I wake and am grateful for my life and do things which bring me joy. Not happiness, but a deep tangible feeling of joy and surrender to spirit and let it guide my every moment. Three teenage daughters test that daily, so I am grateful for their teaching me to stay centred in love, in authenticity, in who I am and I am light. Just for today, I am letting spirit guide me, I surrender to what is.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
I choose you.
The words reverberate in my head, all the way down to my toes, to every cell of my body.
I choose you.
All of the uncertainty is gone.
All of the doubt is gone.
I choose you.
I choose your energy and what we can offer each other.
Even if you don’t choose me, I choose you.
In those first weeks of meeting, we chose each other. We were certain. It worked, it flowed, we allowed the energy to flow unbridled between us.
I choose you.
In the months that followed, we each had lifetimes of stuff that came up for healing and fear struck us down, so I ran, but you did too.
Yet, I still choose you.
I choose love over fear.
I choose my heart over my head.
I choose to be driven by spirit, from that ancient part of me which knows all; which IS all.
I choose to accept what comes, even if that means you do not choose me.
I choose you.
You are a perfect reflection of me. In you, all of my fears, worries and reactions are highlighted, asking me to dig deep; to learn, to grow, to love what is.
I choose you. Not for the way you look, or even the things that you say.
I choose you because of the way our energies intertwine and rise, lifting us up, joining us in divine union with ourselves, each other and universal energy.
I choose you in this moment. There is nothing more than the moment. Everything else is a lie that we tell ourselves; the hurts from the past, fears about the future. They do not exist. Here and now is all we have.
I choose you.
I am awake.
I am divine.
In this moment, I choose you. This is the gift I can offer you; my presence, now.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
Recently a friend said that she had so much inner work to do on herself. Who hasn’t? The reality is that throughout all of our lives we learn more and more about ourselves, others and the world we live in. My grandmother at 92, said that she wanted to keep learning until the end, and although I wasn’t there in her last months, I’m sure she did, right up until the end and beyond. In-fact, I’m sure she’s still out there learning. The final message she had for all of us was that “love is all there is.” I doubt very much that some of my relatives would understand her sentiment, based on their behaviour towards my mother at her funeral however, I am ever hopeful that at some point they make their way to love as Nan would have wanted.
I feel like my life has been one giant lesson after another and it is in those reflective moments looking back on the past that we see our mistakes, where we went wrong and how not to make the same mistake again. But how many people keep making the same mistakes over and over again? You would think you would learn after the first time not to fall for that “type” of partner, wouldn’t you? I’ve come to a time now where I feel that I have mastered some aspects of my spiritual growth. I would not say that I am a Master, but there are aspects that I feel comfortable with, particularly around trusting my intuition and knowing. For a long, long time, I denied that loving voice that told me that everything would be okay, that the job that I was seeking was nearly ready, that the man of my dreams was just around the corner, that I was amazing.
But little did I know that deep within me I had all of these issues from past-lives, early childhood and experiences throughout my life that not only make me who I am, but also leave residual energetic scars within me. Rather than weakening me, facing them makes me stronger.
Following on from my previous post about my relationship with the masculine and my healing of it, I am now aware of the behaviours that I do to push away the masculine. So, the way I test a man if he cares about me is to write to him. Writing is a way that I can express my feelings the best. So my automatic defense mechanism to keep a man at a distance is to verbalise all of my feelings in writing in the secret hope that he’ll tell me to piss off, thus proving to myself the lie that I’m unworthy and underserving of being loved.
But the reality is that all I really want is for him to look into my eyes and really see me, to be there for me, to use my love language and tell me how amazing that I am. In reality, I want him to chase me, to discuss the issues with me and for him to show that he is trying to understand. No wonder I give men mixed signals!! I do one thing and want another. I place expectations on what I want him to do, when in reality, I only have control over me, my emotions, my reactions and my shadows from the past that hold me back.
Just when you think you’ve reached the source of all the patterns that are stopping you from having the life you want, there’s more! The thoughts that we tell ourselves are so very powerful. I would have to say that my experiences at the weekend really shifted a lot of stuff around the masculine and in some way I still have a fear of the masculine, mostly because it’s an unknown feeling for me to feel loved by a man. It is such a foreign concept to me it might as well be a complicated mathematical formula! On one hand I want to be completely overwhelmed by being loved but there is still a fear there. Men still scare me in some way. The masculine is still a new entity that I’m learning to feel, that I’m learning to love, that I’m learning to understand.
So I continue to engage with the emotionally unavailable, knowing full well that I cannot change his mind. I cannot make him show his love to me that I know is within him. I cannot make him ready. The emotionally unavailable is safe for me. I can keep him at a distance and say that it’s his stuff, I can blame the universe for delivering me the perfect man that I cannot have, no matter how much I want it.
The reality is. It’s my stuff. I need to learn to master my stuff, my inner shadows.
I need to face my fears of the masculine.
I need to be honest about what I’m afraid of.
I’m not there yet, but I’m moving towards it. I can feel it just on the horizon. I can feel it in the energy that descends through my crown. I know it’s there and I’m embracing my fear and letting go.
I am trusting that I am safe, no matter what comes.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
Last weekend I met a bunch of amazing people at a three-day workshop called Ignite Leadership. It was an incredibly emotional and intimate weekend with people who last week were strangers. I went to the course with the intention of finding the source of my continued attraction of men who were emotionally unavailable. Little did I know that within the first three hours I would get a glimpse of the blockage. Over the course of the weekend, I felt into my sadness and I let go. This is the story:
As I posted in a previous post from October, I was scared of intimacy. I was scared of being loved. I had put up walls that were so thick that no matter how much I wanted to grow and learn with a man, I would never allow anyone in. My walls were built as a small child, they were unconscious, yet they were there.
I had a loving home and childhood, my parents loved me, but I never felt their love. As the first born, they, like I did, made mistakes. They both loved me, I feel that now thanks to the weekend, but like all new parents, they took time to understand what they were doing. I didn’t come with a book and as a child I didn’t feel their love.
Somewhere within me I wanted to receive my father’s love, a love at the time, he probably didn’t know how to give. So I told myself that I was worthless, that I was unlovable, that I wasn’t good enough, so I built up the walls and avoided boys at school and later pushed men away who were getting too close. I closed my heart down, I stopped letting love in for both men and women.
But the truth was that my Dad loved me and he loved us all equally. MY FATHER LOVED ME! I feel that now. It gives me strength. It makes me feel grounded. For the first time in my life, I feel deeply grounded into my body, into the Earth.
My early, first experiences of masculine energy was what stopped me from experiencing love from men, all men. I never allowed their admiration of me, I hid behind layers of fat and self-loathing and somehow justified my disconnection from the masculine that I was worthless.
But I was not.
I am not.
I was afraid.
I am not anymore.
Thanks to my new tribe of amazing people who shared and shed their deepest layers and trusted me with their secrets and I am honoured for their trust. I knew that there was some resistance there, but just didn't know what it was or how to rid my body of it. None of us did.
Now, we are all seeing the world in a brand new light.
I am not afraid of the steadiness of the masculine.
I am not afraid of the strength of his love.
I am not afraid of his certainty, yet I desire his certainty in himself, in me, in us.
I desire his desire. I have stopped running from it.
I honour his courage, his inner strength and emotion that he allows me to see.
I honour the journey that he has taken to face the ghosts from his own past so that he is ready to surrender to the feminine within me.
I honour his masculinity, his steadiness, his vulnerability.
I am not afraid of the masculine.
I am not afraid of men.
I feel strong, but soft.
I feel free, but grounded.
I feel loved but safe.
I am finally ready to embrace this new feeling and not repeat the patterns of the past of attracting emotionally unavailable men, despite their magnificence.
I have let go and it feels fantastic! I sincerely wish this for everyone.
Find someone who can help you to let go of your childhood wounds - the ones you know about and the ones that are so deep that you probably don't even know are there. Do it! I promise that it will change your life as it has for my tribe and for me.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015