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"Life’s too short not to go deep. Life’s too short not to be emotionally authentic. I don’t think it’s too much to turn down casual sex and it certainly doesn’t make me a prude. But by all means if it rocks your socks and you are not using it as an avoidance tactic for true, deep, intimacy, go crazy, use a condom and tell your partner how it is before she gets too invested in you."
I wish I could do casual sex. I really do. On a recent question I asked on a singles group on Facebook an overwhelming number of them had a FWB, friend with benefits. I have one of those if I want it, a lovely young man who flies into my city every couple of months, we eat, laugh, he makes me feel special for a couple of hours! But I don’t really want that. Why would I go through the process of the messiness and complications of sex when I can satisfy the animalistic urge, with the aid of my trusty dildo and/or vibrator, by myself! With that, there’s no explaining to the kids who the strange man is who comes and stays every now and then, my reputation with my children is secure and I don’t have to tell him that I don’t see a future between us.
I am mind-boggled by the amount of people that do have casual sex with not just a few people but sometimes in the hundreds! I cannot even comprehend this! I remember a girlfriend telling me she bunked with a 19-year-old backpacker who had slept with more than 100 men and had all their details documented in a notebook! Really?! Nineteen! I must be just getting old or it could be because I’m from an older generation who grew up with those horrific AIDS ads of the 1980s which I’m quite confident in saying, scarred me and scared me for life about casual sex.
I’m not saying I haven’t done it, I just haven’t done it a lot and I rarely enjoy it. I fail to see the point of a couple of hours with someone you don’t know, who you don’t want to know and like Australian singer-songwriter Josh Pyke says in Forever Song: “But I just can’t credit, that type of effort for a, piece of nothing on the edge of a knife.” It’s like junk food to me, you have it occasionally, it tastes good but the pleasure is momentary and not long-lasting. Like junk food, it can become addictive to some people and I understand why, with each time that you do it, you can call off any depth of connection or intimacy by not going back, there is no real nutrition in casual sex, no depth, no substance, it’s just a bit of fun…well, nothing.
I love sex, but I love myself more. I wish I could do casual sex, I really do. But it takes a while for me to trust someone enough with my heart, let alone want them into my most sacred of spaces. I am also a woman who loves deeply. I fall deeply when I feel something for someone. Casual sex for me is emotionally dangerous. I would rather self-pleasure on my own and nurture me than use someone for a couple of hours and feel used by them, even if that was never their intention.
We live in a society where physical appearance is valued over anything else and sexuality has become as disposable as coffee cups. On the online chat yesterday, someone said the reason that I hadn’t found what I was looking for was because I wasn’t willing to go casual, because I want something with depth, with meaning, with intimacy, because I want to see a man’s vulnerability and surrender, not his conquering of me as another notch in his belt. I want to feel his weight on me and his heart’s openness afterwards, not help him into his pants and out the door. This guy’s response was that you cannot get deep straight away, you need to “test-drive the car” first. I completely disagree! Emotional intimacy is something that comes easy to me, maybe I’m the unusual one, maybe the rest of the world is not very good at it. Maybe everyone else just censors what they really feel and aren't honest with themselves.
I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve turned down casual sex and I don’t regret any of those times. Not one of those men had any investment in me as a person or as anything more than a temporary fix for their base sexual desire. Sex is more than orgasm. Sex is more than a piece of nothing on the edge of the night. Sex is more than animalistic desire for release. As a woman on the Facebook chat wrote: “I find physical intimacy only very shallow and superficial...the ego becomes too much for them.” We are in a fascinating time as women are starting to reclaim their feminine power, this can be seen with the abundance of women’s empowerment courses and women’s circles available.
But while women are claiming their power, we are asking for men to step up and be the conscious masculine that we deserve. As this woman said; “If a man hasn’t figured himself yet, he’ll only screw up every woman he comes across working himself out. A truly conscious man can awaken his Shiva and know how to connect with an evolved and embodied woman.”
An evolved woman doesn’t want casual sex, she knows that she is worth more than that. But unfortunately, men haven’t caught up with us just yet. A woman is more than just her vagina, she is a complex, open, loving being, just as a man is more than his penis. I want his certainty, his desire for me to be both an animalistic desire to “shred your clothes off”, but also a desire to follow his curiosity and fascination of me and dive deep into knowing each other in a way which is more than just physical, to learn about me through and inside of the sexual experience, but also outside of it.
When you have a connection with someone, it is worth exploring deeper, you never know what you just might find out
about yourself and where it will go. Life’s too short not to go deep. Life’s too short not to be emotionally authentic. I don’t think it’s too much to turn down casual sex and it certainly doesn’t make me a prude. But by all means if it rocks your socks and you are not using it as an avoidance tactic for true, deep, intimacy, go crazy, use a condom and tell your partner how it is before she gets too invested in you.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
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