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Recently a friend said that she had so much inner work to do on herself. Who hasn’t? The reality is that throughout all of our lives we learn more and more about ourselves, others and the world we live in. My grandmother at 92, said that she wanted to keep learning until the end, and although I wasn’t there in her last months, I’m sure she did, right up until the end and beyond. In-fact, I’m sure she’s still out there learning. The final message she had for all of us was that “love is all there is.” I doubt very much that some of my relatives would understand her sentiment, based on their behaviour towards my mother at her funeral however, I am ever hopeful that at some point they make their way to love as Nan would have wanted.
I feel like my life has been one giant lesson after another and it is in those reflective moments looking back on the past that we see our mistakes, where we went wrong and how not to make the same mistake again. But how many people keep making the same mistakes over and over again? You would think you would learn after the first time not to fall for that “type” of partner, wouldn’t you? I’ve come to a time now where I feel that I have mastered some aspects of my spiritual growth. I would not say that I am a Master, but there are aspects that I feel comfortable with, particularly around trusting my intuition and knowing. For a long, long time, I denied that loving voice that told me that everything would be okay, that the job that I was seeking was nearly ready, that the man of my dreams was just around the corner, that I was amazing.
But little did I know that deep within me I had all of these issues from past-lives, early childhood and experiences throughout my life that not only make me who I am, but also leave residual energetic scars within me. Rather than weakening me, facing them makes me stronger.
Following on from my previous post about my relationship with the masculine and my healing of it, I am now aware of the behaviours that I do to push away the masculine. So, the way I test a man if he cares about me is to write to him. Writing is a way that I can express my feelings the best. So my automatic defense mechanism to keep a man at a distance is to verbalise all of my feelings in writing in the secret hope that he’ll tell me to piss off, thus proving to myself the lie that I’m unworthy and underserving of being loved.
But the reality is that all I really want is for him to look into my eyes and really see me, to be there for me, to use my love language and tell me how amazing that I am. In reality, I want him to chase me, to discuss the issues with me and for him to show that he is trying to understand. No wonder I give men mixed signals!! I do one thing and want another. I place expectations on what I want him to do, when in reality, I only have control over me, my emotions, my reactions and my shadows from the past that hold me back.
Just when you think you’ve reached the source of all the patterns that are stopping you from having the life you want, there’s more! The thoughts that we tell ourselves are so very powerful. I would have to say that my experiences at the weekend really shifted a lot of stuff around the masculine and in some way I still have a fear of the masculine, mostly because it’s an unknown feeling for me to feel loved by a man. It is such a foreign concept to me it might as well be a complicated mathematical formula! On one hand I want to be completely overwhelmed by being loved but there is still a fear there. Men still scare me in some way. The masculine is still a new entity that I’m learning to feel, that I’m learning to love, that I’m learning to understand.
So I continue to engage with the emotionally unavailable, knowing full well that I cannot change his mind. I cannot make him show his love to me that I know is within him. I cannot make him ready. The emotionally unavailable is safe for me. I can keep him at a distance and say that it’s his stuff, I can blame the universe for delivering me the perfect man that I cannot have, no matter how much I want it.
The reality is. It’s my stuff. I need to learn to master my stuff, my inner shadows.
I need to face my fears of the masculine.
I need to be honest about what I’m afraid of.
I’m not there yet, but I’m moving towards it. I can feel it just on the horizon. I can feel it in the energy that descends through my crown. I know it’s there and I’m embracing my fear and letting go.
I am trusting that I am safe, no matter what comes.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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