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" I was surrounded by a family who loved me, but I still felt alone. So what I started to do was isolate myself from everyone in an attempt to make sense of the loneliness inside me."
I’ve just done my second card reading for you from my Chakra Cards – Muladhara (red) series and the question was: “How do you feel about being alone?” See the link to the video and my channel here.
For me, this is an easy one. I’m very comfortable in my own company. I love having my time to be autonomous and to relax. But it hasn’t always been this way. When I was 14, I was suffering from depression and adolescent angst and my grandmother had just discovered Louise Hay. She sent me a package of affirmations and from that moment my life changed. I couldn’t see a way out of my aching loneliness, but Louise Hay and my grandmother showed me the way.
The way out of the loneliness was to love myself. As a child I felt so alone in the world. It was like when you are a party, surrounded by people, but feel completely lonely. That’s how I felt. I was surrounded by a family who loved me, but I still felt alone. So what I started to do was isolate myself from everyone in an attempt to make sense of the loneliness inside me. I created physical separation and alone space to figure out who I was as distinct from my family and more importantly, why I was here.
It hasn’t been an easy path. I’ve not really had any loving and functioning relationships with men, I’ve restricted friendships to those who accept me for who I am and quickly passed by any who didn’t. Needless to say high school was a nightmare for me. I felt very alone during school and never really found a group where I felt like I belonged or was accepted. What the common thread throughout this…was me. I was the common feature of the aching aloneness; to be in a room full of people and feel completely alone, that’s nothing to do with anyone else but the self.
After years and years of affirmations and self-reflection, I have now come to a place where I truly love who I am. Rather than being angry or bitter about those early experiences, I have embraced them as showing me the path to me. I am an amazing person. I can say that with sincerity and feeling now, something that at 14, I learned how to start to do. I have the vocabulary that I need to talk about my feelings and emotions and I very much have taught my kids to be able to articulate when they need space or conversations. And they know when I need some space or alone-time to re-centre myself.
My alone-time grounds me. It brings me back to myself. It allows me to look within and celebrate who I am. Often when situations in my life get chaotic, it is when I am alone that I can find that centre, the truth of who I am. And I am extraordinary! There is no-one on Earth who has my name, my story, my life and no-one else who can be me the way that I can!
So, in answer to the question, “How do you feel about being alone?”, I feel great. It’s taken a long time and a lot of work, but I accept me. I belong here, within me, doing what I do. It was never about those kids at school or my family accepting me, but of ME accepting me! Of embracing that time of being alone and accepting it.
Being alone has been a great teacher and I am grateful for it.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
All images, videos, products and texts Copyright ©Alyssa Curtayne 2014-2017