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To the man who will probably never see this:
There is something about you which is like a magnet for me and for someone who usually has no trouble with words, I am tongue-tied.
I am scared. I am completely scared of how I feel about you. It’s a new feeling for me to be so fascinated, curious and desirous about another human being and see that same fascination, curiosity and desire expressed back at me.
I’ve never had a proper relationship, as such. I’ve avoided relationships where possible and the ones I have had, I pushed them away when they had any sort of feeling for me because I don’t know how to be loved by a man. I was petrified. I don’t know what it feels like to receive love so as a result I don’t let ANYONE in. Like I said to my girlfriend the other day, “I only let people in who I think that I can build some sort of relationship with” and so as a result, I have lived a fairly solitary kind of existence.
In this solitude, I have become a master at self-pleasuring, self-love and being a strong, independent woman and I know that I can achieve anything. I have an amazing life. But this fear is stopping me from being loved by other human beings, I am living a half-life. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say that I didn’t take that leap of faith in love.
But this letting go of my fear about the feeling of being loved by another human being without running away or finding reasons that it couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t work, this is one of the biggest challenges of my life. The irony is that I want to fall into you. I want to embrace you within me, to be still in that moment of union where we are meeting as one and seeing the love for me in your eyes. I see your fear too and I need assurance to help me to transition through this fear of being loved. Maybe I need to assure you too?
I am more than strong enough to hold your fears, but are you strong enough to hold mine? Will you crush me when I’m vulnerable and my heart is fully opened to you? Are you afraid that I will crush your heart?
The moment we met, we both visioned a shared future together and in that vision, it is more amazing that either of us could possibly imagine, but you’ve shut me out with silence and I don’t like it. I know you are working through your “demons” but I miss hanging out with you. I think of amazing adventures we could have together, but you’re not there. I see enormous inner strength in you and I wonder if you know how very strong you are?
I know you are scared of being hurt again. But I am too. I am like a baby taking her first steps and I will fall, I will try and run away, but if I knew you would be there to encourage me to get back up again and tell me that you are there, it will give me the strength to stand up again. I think that what we have is fucking amazing. I have never telepathically communicated with anyone the way I do with you and you’re so delicious that I can’t get enough of your body and I desire to understand how you think, the way you see the world, what I can do and say to be there for you.
I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment. I’m asking for a commitment for the moment, to follow the growing love that we are feeling for each other and allow it to be what it will be. To do things as friends and see what develops.
When a flower blossoms, it takes zero effort, but it will never blossom if you keep it in the dark. Your silence is the dark for me and I feel ready, oh so very ready to blossom and be loved, just let me in, we will be amazing.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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