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"Maybe I need to drop the mask that I am this compassionate, strong woman who can handle anything, when in truth, I am vulnerable, alone and hurt by some of the intimate experiences that I have attracted into my life. "
Recently, I put a call out on a Facebook group about advice for my recently diagnosed uterine fibroids and recommendations for practitioners and healers nearby. Like all good communities, this community was full of sage advice and wisdom, like diet, naturopathy, excellent book resources and overwhelmingly a call NOT to have my uterus removed. But there was one piece of wisdom that has resonated.
She said: “Do healings on the anger and resentment you may be holding onto in your female parts…often if we have any anger or resentment towards males who hurt us in our life we store it in our female parts without even knowing.” Immediately, I disagreed. That it wasn’t right, I love my vagina, my wet yoni lips, my clitoris. I love my womb that held my babies – the three that lived, the three that died. I love the feminine energy that rises from my womb through the central channel in ecstatic orgasm. I’m not an angry person, I am taken to anger through injustice and disrespect, but I’m generally not an angry person.
But during my meditations on this woman’s comments I realised that I AM angry towards men; specifically towards my ex-husband who sexually assaulted me and specifically to the two men who rejected me. But instead of allowing this anger to exist, flow through me and be released, I have turned it inwards and it has become a deep sadness. I never allowed my anger towards that assault and the rejections to exist. I never allowed it to be. I never got angry at the injustice of how I allowed myself to be treated.
Instead, I pushed it down. Ignored my anger and allowed it to wallow in the misery of my subconscious self-belief that I’m not good enough. Instead of anger, my first response is always sadness. My kids call this “me playing the victim”, but it’s more than that, it’s like an emotional exhaustion from fighting for my place in the world. It’s my exhaustion at never figuring out why I’m here and what this whole life experience is about. It’s being emotionally tired from having to be the breadwinner, cook, taxi, housemaid and all the other roles a single parent plays.
Anger is not something to be ashamed of; it is a normal human emotion and reaction to life. But many of us we supress our anger and resentment towards people who are supposed to have loved us, we supress our anger at rejection and the words left unsaid. My past two important connections have been with men who weren’t “ready” or willing to make me an important person in their lives, even though we had incredible connections and everything seemed to just, well, click.
Even though I never admitted it to myself until now, I am angry with them both. I am angry at their lack of courage to step into “us”, I am angry with them both for not seeing me, and I’m angry at them for being so selfish to not be able to see how amazing “us” could be, I’m angry for them for not standing in their own masculinity and I’m angry with myself for falling for men who are and were not willing to see my value.
But ultimately I’m angry at the universe for my existence. It’s like I’ve been delivered here on a ‘choose your own adventure’ and there aren’t any instructions, just lesson after infinite lesson of more and more undoing of the traumas and thoughts that we bring on ourselves…and I’m tired of the lessons. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be sad and hold onto hurts from past lovers who couldn’t see me for the magnificent woman that I am. I don’t want any more lessons.
I’m not quite sure how now to deal with my anger, perhaps just being honest with myself and acknowledging it, it will go away. Maybe I need to go on a retreat and just be a wild woman and let all my primal anger out, for everything. Maybe I need to drop the mask that I am this compassionate, strong woman who can handle anything, when in truth, I am vulnerable, alone and hurt by some of the intimate experiences that I have attracted into my life. I need to drop the mask that I cannot get angry about hurt by people close to me. My own thoughts have created a belief that I need to shield my anger about intimate relationships and by knowing this about myself, I feel empowered.
I am an amazing woman and will make some very lucky man an amazing life partner, someday, or maybe never. But while I am still holding onto this anger, while I am holding resentment that manifests as three large fibroids in my uterus which are literally the three men that I have been angry at, there will be no room for someone just as amazing as me to enter. My body is literally blocking my gateway to my feminine essence that no man can ever get past, no matter how incredible he is or how amazing I am.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
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