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Every moment of my life has prepared me for this moment.
This moment when I am standing at a precipice of faith, trust, surrender.
Where I have let go of expectations, attachments and of everything that no longer serves me.
I am jumping.
I am taking a leap of faith into a place which brings me bliss and joy.
I said a few months ago that writing a novel is a bit like a leap of faith, you just have to start writing and the story unfolds. Even Tolkien, didn’t know that The Ranger would be waiting in the Inn when the Hobbits arrived. Every story is a bit of a surprise, but more so you trust that when you sit down and write, you will be taken somewhere amazing, as it is with life. We have no idea where we will be led and often we make plans or goals only to be taken somewhere we least expected it.
I left Australia as a 23-year-old, planning to spend at least five years adventuring around the world. My heart always fell to the UK. I spent years planning my trip, saved and scrimped and spent hours looking at all of the places that I would go. The trip was broken up into parts; I would do a trek in Thailand, work on a Kibbutz in Israel and then go to the UK where I had a job lined up in a summer camp in Scotland. I had a great trek in Thailand, made it to Israel and was terrified by the weapons and soldiers on the Lebanese border. But it was in Israel that I met a soul-sister and I travelled with her and another spunky Aussie who I had run into a few times. I had time before my job started in Scotland, so I went with them to Egypt.
Despite my well-laid plans, within months of leaving Australia, I had met a man and the universe had taken me somewhere I had never intended on going. Of course, I had hoped to meet someone on my travels, but I secretly hoped to meet a blue-eyed Englishman with a super-sexy accent. Instead, the universe delivered me a black-eyed, super-charming and handsome Arab. That was my “Sliding Doors” moment. I was faced with a near-impossible choice; to continue with my travel dreams or to see where the relationship would go. My logic was that I could always return to the UK, it was just a place, but I needed to see where the relationship would go or I would regret it. Three children, a divorce and 14 years later I have accepted that I might never get to the UK to fulfil that dream and perhaps I was never meant to go there.
I have always struggled with trusting in relationships and money, yet it has always come to me in the perfect space-time. I have everything I need at this point in my life and I wake every day and say thank you for what I have. While I wish I had been to the UK to see what would have happened, I wouldn’t swap my kids or my massive spiritual growth that my ex-husband gave me. He taught me about trust, anger, conflict resolution and he gave me the honour of being a mother I still remember the feeling in that moment of making that choice. Either way, I imagine I would have experienced the same growth and learning.
In the past few days, I have been asking myself what is missing? What is that thing that I’m not quite getting about money and relationships that I don’t just trust them to come. I spend hours worrying about both of these aspects of my life when I have no reason to doubt that everything I need is coming at the right time. What I am missing is that I probably spend too long planning and setting goals for them. Perhaps we have been told one giant lie about goal setting. It’s good to have some direction, but it’s very cerebral. It’s not following the heart. I’m not saying not to have some sense of where you want to be or go, but perhaps we need to broaden our directions then let go more and be led by what brings us joy. I loved travelling and as I was travelling I came across some amazing experiences and people and I am so grateful for all of those things. Maybe we need to have a sense of a general direction, but to be open to what is offered by the Universe.
I am writing and creating and filling my life with things that I love. I’m not quite sure where they are leading me, but I have some sense of an idea and I’m excited by that. When I worry about money or men, I fill my head up with things I don’t want instead of the things that I do want. I have taken a leap of faith by moving away from a career that has financed my life and doing things that I love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My days are filled with joy and gratitude and I can only anticipate that the money will follow when it is the right time. Similarly, I have an amazing life and one day a beautiful man will knock on my door and want to share this amazing journey with me. I cannot control it. All I can do is to be open to the possibilities that arrive and say ‘yes’ to what comes.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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