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"I hide aspects of who I am, depending on who I am with, what I think they expect to see from me. That is shapeshifting. I mold myself into other people’s expectations"
I am a shapeshifter. I drift with the wind. I am never able to manifest what I want because I’m too busy going with the flow and adjusting to every environment that I find myself in. Another amazing lesson by GSM delivered without his knowledge (GSM is a gorgeous sexy man who I feel an indescribable connection with but we have never moved beyond the attraction stage).
Anyway, back to the shapeshifting. Traditionally shapeshifting has been about changing physical form into animals and inanimate objects, but the shapeshifting that I’m talking about is shifting with the environment that you find yourself in. I saw a quote recently that said (and I paraphrase): “In any population, 10 percent are malicious, 10 percent are all goodness and the other 80 percent can be swayed either way.” How does this happen? How do we surrender who we are and be so malleable to the biggest voice? If I think about who I am with my parents and family of birth, my children, in a teaching role, as a teacher, lover, friend, in yoga or at the gym or writing or working with my cards, I am a different person in each situation and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, but the only place I feel truly myself is when I’m by myself. So, I hide aspects of who I am, depending on who I am with, what I think they expect to see from me. That is shapeshifting. I mould myself into other people’s expectations (a 20 year career in the education sector has that effect).
For me this has manifested as, well, an inability to manifest money, a committed relationship and a career that I love. Why? Because I keep changing my mind. I haven’t ever been clear on what I want. I’ll drive around this beautiful city that I live in and find a lovely tree-lined suburb and go “Oooh, it would be nice to live here,” then half an hour later I’m doing the same in another suburb! I’ll look at travel magazines and see places and want to go there, but I never do. I never make a decision on where I want to live, the job I want, or the type of man that I want to be with (they’re all so delicious aren’t they?).
I’ll give you an example of what I mean. Yesterday I had lined up a man to buy my car and had organised a new car for myself. During the course of the week I started having doubts about selling and buying. I started being indecisive. I started wondering if I was selling the car for a genuine reason or because I crave variety. So, on the morning of the sale, the buyer backed out. Why? Because I was indecisive. Because I hadn’t been clear in my intentions for what I wanted and so therefore, it turned into a confused and quite uncomfortable situation for me, the buyer and the seller of my “new car”. So what do I need to do? Make a decision!
I then transferred that knowledge I learned about the car to relationships. With GSM, I have been trying to be what I think he wants without being authentic to me. I didn’t know what I wanted when I met him, but once I met him, I knew I wanted something like he could offer, I knew that he was a man who I could love and be loved by and who I could communicate effectively with. But, he didn’t want a relationship. So I tried out being casual and non-committal, I shapeshifted into what
I thought he wanted, but I finally realised that is NOT what I want. I could do it, of that I have no doubt, but do I WANT to do it? No. I don’t want to be somebody’s casual option. I want to be somebody’s best friend, supporter and well, somebody’s commitment and I will be amazing at it.
If I transfer that knowledge to politics, it explains the insanity currently gripping the planet with hysterical nonsense that fills our newsfeed. If people don’t know what they want, if they are constantly confused and drifting between what they want – if they are pulled by their desires, they cannot make decisions. They cannot make coherent decisions. They are indecisive, they shapeshift, they become who they think the world wants, rather than who they authentically are. I choose a creative, artistic, collectively conscious, sustainable, heart-centred world every time. (Interesting, politics is not an area of my life that is indecisive, I know what I want for the world. Perhaps exploration of that in another blog!)
If I think about how very short life is, I don’t want to waste precious time of the human experience waiting for things to happen, I want to feel empowered to create the life that I want to experience and to do that, I have to stop shapeshifting into different people in different situations and be resoundingly clear about what I want to experience. I need to make decisions. I need to commit to those decisions and I need to be clear on what I want as there is no room, or time for indecision and definitely no time for shapeshifting. I need to commit to me and my life and what a commitment that is, because I am so very worth it.
May you make a committed decision today.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
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