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" I suppose if you think of it like a breath, you inhale, you exhale, but there is a moment between the inhale and exhale that is the in-between, yet it’s not nothingness, it’s a something, but you know that the next inhale or exhale will come. We don’t get in that space in-between worrying about whether we will exhale, it just comes."
I am impatient.
I have an expectation that if I ask for something, it will arrive my struggle comes with the in-between, the moments of anticipation, the waiting, knowing that something amazing is on its way to me.
How this manifests is a pattern that I have had since I was very young. I blame myself. It must be my fault, I mustn’t be good enough, I mustn’t be worthy – all that self talk that I can see and acknowledge, but it’s still there. I can’t seem to move past it so the things and dreams that I want and seem further and further away and then I feel like I failed and start to chase them. I cannot wait. I start getting pushy and demanding that it happen and when it doesn’t those self-doubts begin again. I wallow in self-pity and sadness.
For the past two weeks I have been slipping into a depression because, well, a lot of reasons, but mostly because I’ve been working so much and not creating time for me. My daily yoga practice that I have done since July has been missed for a week, I’ve not been going to the gym, I’m eating poorly and not getting enough sleep and most importantly, I haven’t been connecting with me. This loss of my usual routines that help me keep my balance has made me stop believing in myself and all of the old self-doubts and negative self-talk have popped up again. It then turns into a downward spiral of not meeting my basic needs in food and exercise and mindfulness and I feel worse and it keeps spiralling.
What is impatience? What is patience? And why can’t I just allow things to be? The answer lies somewhere between the answers two wise mentors gave to me today. Author of Awaken and Founder of Cre8, Brett Jones said: “Just let it flow. It is expectations that block. Once you created it then your ego took over and had an expectation it would succeed. Just let it flow, quiet action waiting for the door to open.” And he’s right, those thoughts in my head that are self-doubting are completely ego. I can see the thoughts as a detached witness, but when they are so persistent, so loud and when there is no external evidence that all that I asked for is coming my way, I start to believe those negative thoughts.
I also ran into a beautiful woman, Jeannie, who was the first healer I met when I moved here. Jeannie said to stop thinking about things not happening as I would like as a problem, think about it instead of divine timing. “When you think of it as divine timing, you won’t keep blaming yourself,” she said. And yes, she’s right too. When I think of these things as not dependent upon me DOING anything right or wrong then I surrender the control of it. It then creates the space that I need to just trust that it’s all taken care of, I can stop beating myself up when I'm not seeing results.
I’ve likened it to this analogy: I suppose if you think of it like a breath, you inhale, you exhale, but there is a moment between the inhale and exhale that is the in-between, yet it’s not nothingness, it’s a something, but you know that the next inhale or exhale will come. We don’t get in that space in-between worrying about whether we will exhale, it just comes.
This impatience that I have comes back again to trust – in the universe, in myself, in the people who I am meant to have in my life. I need to trust that in this in-between things are happening that I can’t yet see, but if I get caught up in waiting, of holding my breath, no flow can exist. We don’t seek evidence that the next breath will come, so why do I need external evidence that the things I asked for will come?
I love how when you open yourself to the wisdom of the universe, you get the answers you need. I followed two impulses today, one, to contact someone and two, to go out to the world. The people in our lives are no accident and everyone we meet has a message for us.
I’m sure you’ve had all those moments when you are on the path the universe gives you signs, money, contacts and it all just flows. It feels amazing and then you start THINKING about it and then they all disappear like a popped bubble.
Twelve months ago I did a course with Leyolah Antara at Kundalini Dance (I write about it a lot because it was so profound for me) and the following mantra came to me as a part of that course: Trust in flow; flow in trust and it really sums up one of my greatest lessons and that is to trust in the flow of life, to allow that moment in-between to be uncomfortable and to learn to love it for what it is, to be patient for the aspects of my life that I feel like I’m waiting for.
Today, I will let go of waiting and wishing and hoping and let my exhale to BE and trust that the inhale will come in its own time. Patience is embracing the in-between, I understand now.
And next week I’ll get my mantra tattooed so I don’t forget it again!!
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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