Blogger and creator of the Chakra Cards, this website has something for everyone
"...perhaps the idea of that ONE person that fits us perfectly is the idea we need to let us go. Who comes to us, is perfect for us, at that time. We have a choice in that moment to experience what that person offers, but it doesn’t make them the ‘One.’"
We have been sold a lie; in movies, stories and popular culture, a hang up from the stories of heroic knights and chivalry of the middle ages that made a resurgence with the romantic tales of Jane Austen* and more recently, Disney and their ideals.
The perfect relationship. The perfect romance. The perfect lover. It’s a lie. And a lie that sells. The idea that there is one person who you will stay connected to your whole life. This belief is hard to break because not only is it generational but the way it is marketed taps into our innate feelings of wanting to give and receive love, into our innate fear of being alone and into our belief that we are not enough just as we are. Clever, but wrong.
Somehow that story, the expectation that we are destined for our one true love, that there is one perfect mate out there for everyone has seeped its way into the deepest parts of who we are and it clouds our judgement of connection with people. ‘Soul mates’, ‘twin souls’, ‘The One’ are now common language when we discuss dating and relationships, there are whole websites and blogs devoted to these ideas, and I myself have previously written about them.
We go through life thinking that we are owed this thing and it’s nothing more than about 250 years of popular culture, an idea, a utopian dream, a great social expectation that is nothing more than ONE version of a great life. Prior to then marriage was a financial transaction or arrangement between families, something that continues in many parts of the world today. By all means we should have a right to choose our partners!! But perhaps the idea of that ONE person that fits us perfectly is the idea we need to let us go. Who comes to us, is perfect for us, at that time. We have a choice in that moment to experience what that person offers, but it doesn’t make them the ‘One.’
What accompanies this social expectation is the belief that there is something wrong with single people. Umm, what?!
We have not failed if we don’t meet “the one” or if it doesn’t work out with someone. It just is. Similarly single people are not sad and feeling unloved, in many ways they are embracing the opportunities. A friend of mine who is 54 said yesterday, “I was married for 30 years, I’ve had all that. I don’t need that. I’ve done it, tick.” She is completely enjoying where she is and while not closed to the idea of another relationship, it is not consuming her, it doesn’t make her feel like a failure that she doesn’t have one and she’s not actively seeking one.
But what if there is NO one person that is just right for us?
Just let that sink it for a moment…
What if there is no perfect soul mate, twin soul or perfect partner?
What if we just went with the flow and embraced the opportunities that arose in meaningful connections with people as they flow into our lives?
What if we stopped defining relationships on how long you are with someone, but how much they changed your life, how much they helped you to grow into the best version of yourself?
What if we stopped expecting a relationship because we felt a sense of entitlement to it?
What if we didn’t make a commitment for life, but a commitment to the moment?
I’m not in any way advocating divorce, polyamory or bigamy, but if that works for you and your situation and everyone involved are consenting adults, who am I to judge how you live your lives?
What if we lived without ego and attachment and went with the flow without having any expectations on another?
I would make someone a very lucky man, I would be an amazing wife/lover/best friend/life partner, but after 41 years without having that experience, I have to wonder if my path is not to have that experience in this lifetime? Unlike my girlfriend who has 30 years’ experience, I have none. I would like to experience what that is like, but unlike before, I no longer feel a sense of entitlement or expectation.
I have met an amazing human being and being psychic, I have seen the incredibly fantastic life we could share together. He has also seen it, as he too has the gift. But what if a committed relationship was not our purpose in connecting in this life? What if it was just to help me to grow and to learn non-attachment? What if he was just one of many incredible possibilities that are available for me in this life? By attaching expectations that it would turn into something else more committed, I corrupted it, rather than just going with the flow.
Anyone can be a ‘soul-mate’ or more correctly, an adventure buddy through life, but it’s about what we are willing to accept in them or not. We make choices every day about our clothes and food and what car we drive. Do we put on a dress and say, “Yes, this one will work for life?” Of course not! But you wear it, you feel good in it and maybe you might keep it for life, but sometimes dresses fade, sometimes relationships just don’t work and sometimes they do. Of course we all admire the wonderful couples who seem to have it all – romantic love, family, material possessions and of course the back-up of each other, but they are rare. They are one way of living life. There is no right way.
Not all relationships have to be romantic; they can be companionable, sexual, financial and about parenting. But what is at the core of them all is connection. When you have a connection with someone, it’s worth exploring deeper. You don’t know if that dress will fade, or the light that they have for you will die out, or if it will be a keeper that you can wear to your grave, and you never know what you just might find out about yourself and where it will go. And you don’t need to know. When a flower blossoms, it doesn’t ask what it will be, it just is, so it is with connections with others.
Stop seeking the lie, the fairy tale. It is social learning that needs to be undone.
It is this learning that corrupts our connections. It creates expectation.
When, like all of life, we need to just be and allow what is meant for us to come, if it stays, great! If it doesn’t, we let go and breathe, we are still wonderful. Today is a new day.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
*I love Jane Austen and some Disney flicks and I love the middle ages – it’s my favourite period in history.
All images, videos, products and texts Copyright ©Alyssa Curtayne 2014-2017