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Last weekend I met a bunch of amazing people at a three-day workshop called Ignite Leadership. It was an incredibly emotional and intimate weekend with people who last week were strangers. I went to the course with the intention of finding the source of my continued attraction of men who were emotionally unavailable. Little did I know that within the first three hours I would get a glimpse of the blockage. Over the course of the weekend, I felt into my sadness and I let go. This is the story:
As I posted in a previous post from October, I was scared of intimacy. I was scared of being loved. I had put up walls that were so thick that no matter how much I wanted to grow and learn with a man, I would never allow anyone in. My walls were built as a small child, they were unconscious, yet they were there.
I had a loving home and childhood, my parents loved me, but I never felt their love. As the first born, they, like I did, made mistakes. They both loved me, I feel that now thanks to the weekend, but like all new parents, they took time to understand what they were doing. I didn’t come with a book and as a child I didn’t feel their love.
Somewhere within me I wanted to receive my father’s love, a love at the time, he probably didn’t know how to give. So I told myself that I was worthless, that I was unlovable, that I wasn’t good enough, so I built up the walls and avoided boys at school and later pushed men away who were getting too close. I closed my heart down, I stopped letting love in for both men and women.
But the truth was that my Dad loved me and he loved us all equally. MY FATHER LOVED ME! I feel that now. It gives me strength. It makes me feel grounded. For the first time in my life, I feel deeply grounded into my body, into the Earth.
My early, first experiences of masculine energy was what stopped me from experiencing love from men, all men. I never allowed their admiration of me, I hid behind layers of fat and self-loathing and somehow justified my disconnection from the masculine that I was worthless.
But I was not.
I am not.
I was afraid.
I am not anymore.
Thanks to my new tribe of amazing people who shared and shed their deepest layers and trusted me with their secrets and I am honoured for their trust. I knew that there was some resistance there, but just didn't know what it was or how to rid my body of it. None of us did.
Now, we are all seeing the world in a brand new light.
I am not afraid of the steadiness of the masculine.
I am not afraid of the strength of his love.
I am not afraid of his certainty, yet I desire his certainty in himself, in me, in us.
I desire his desire. I have stopped running from it.
I honour his courage, his inner strength and emotion that he allows me to see.
I honour the journey that he has taken to face the ghosts from his own past so that he is ready to surrender to the feminine within me.
I honour his masculinity, his steadiness, his vulnerability.
I am not afraid of the masculine.
I am not afraid of men.
I feel strong, but soft.
I feel free, but grounded.
I feel loved but safe.
I am finally ready to embrace this new feeling and not repeat the patterns of the past of attracting emotionally unavailable men, despite their magnificence.
I have let go and it feels fantastic! I sincerely wish this for everyone.
Find someone who can help you to let go of your childhood wounds - the ones you know about and the ones that are so deep that you probably don't even know are there. Do it! I promise that it will change your life as it has for my tribe and for me.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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