"Of course the things our partner does will trigger an ego reaction, even for the most spiritually evolved! I’m not suggesting for a second that this is an easy path, it will require work. But if we keep at the core a commitment to help each other to be the best version of ourselves then there cannot be any failure."
Relationships, I’ve written about them before and this week I’ve been talking to a friend about what it is that I want. I waver between an ego desire of a “normal” relationship with a wedding and romantic commitment (like I’ve been conditioned by society to expect) and a deep, inner calling to completely surrender to create something transformational. The latter is currently the louder voice! It is a redefining of a relationship based on the needs of the people in it. I’m not just talking about two people, it could be multiple. I don’t want that, but I’m open to the possibility if that’s what my choice in partner wants for his growth. I was trying to explain to my friend that I want to redefine relationships to be what is in the best interests of both (or all) involved.
I have been a conscious observer of relationships for four decades. I have seen many loved ones stay in relationships long after they needed reviving or leaving and more importantly I have seen people sacrifice their soul’s longing at the expense of placating their partner or maintaining the status quo. I have seen people in relationships wither up and die a little and they aren’t happy, but they still stay because of social expectation or fear of failure or fear of speaking up to express their needs.
A relationship should be soul expanding, not soul destroying. I first heard the term “Loveship” a couple of years ago by author Jeff Brown and I loved it. It was a new way of looking at relationship than the usual get married, have children and tolerate each other for the rest of your lives! The fact that as a society we have “jokes” about men and women’s roles in a relationship and there’s a silent apathy and digs at “the missus” for how she is. This is not an empowering model. Obviously it’s a model that works for some people and I’m happy for them, but I want more than my partner to make jokes with his mates about how I am. There is no spirituality in that. There is no authenticity, love or acceptance in that and there certainly isn’t any soul growth.
I agree so much when Jeff Brown says this: “I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another…I want to want you…because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding.” A soul-based relationship is what I want. One where we make it whatever we need for our own growth and evolution. I see it as a freeing concept because the core of it is soul growth and unconditional love and in that, we have someone by our side providing support.
What that means in practice, is that each partner helps the other to be the very best version of themselves in acceptance, compassion and understanding. This means, if they want to go on a three month trek to Nepal, we allow that, we don’t take it personally. We support their calling and they support ours. It doesn’t mean we part ways. It doesn’t mean that we have done something wrong; it means we hold space for them to do their own self-healing and inner work, we sit and hold their hand while they work through their stuff. There’s a great animation which shows what to do with someone who is depressed, and it’s like that, you cannot go with them into their shadows, but you can just be there to hold their hand and them yours.
In daily practice this means, showing your love of yourself and your partner through loving acts (words, touch, service, time, gifts) and finding a balance between self-development and giving your partner space to work through their stuff, but being there if they need you. But more importantly it means that you can honestly and openly communicate your needs to your partner and they lovingly accept that is where you are. Communication and deep authentic honesty is essential if this is to work.
As I was scrolling through my newsfeed today, this came up by Wes Angelozzi: “Go and love someone exactly as they are. And watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered” and that’s exactly what I mean.
Of course the things our partner does will trigger an ego reaction, even for the most spiritually evolved! I’m not suggesting for a second that this is an easy path, it will require work. But if we keep at the core a commitment to help each other to be the best version of ourselves then there cannot be any failure. Having expectation of how long it will last is irrelevant and blocks the flow of the connection. It could last a week, a month, a year or two or ten or a lifetime.
Separating a connection when it reaches its natural end is not a failure, sad in many ways yes, but not a failure and it certainly doesn’t make the two individuals failures. But what if it helps you be more of yourself? What if you become so very self-empowered because you have the love and acceptance of your partner, your friend, what if it doesn’t end, what if you can both grow and expand to be someone who you never imagined existed inside of you? That would be magic.
What if you could just be in the moment and go with the flow and allow love and soul growth to enter?
So, what do I want? I want a committed loveship, where two people who love each other and commit to be the best version of themselves through acceptance, compassion and understanding, for as long as the connection lasts. Maybe I can tell my friend that now that I know for sure what I want!
And so it is.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
"...we have a choice to continue down the militarised, consumeristic, materialistic, selfish, ego-driven lives, OR we can choose art, creativity, collective co-operation, sustainable heart-centred world..."
I feel numb. I feel nothing.
So in order to feel again, I played netball when I knew that I would hurt myself with a pre-existing injury and I did. Yet, although I know it hurts, I still don’t feel it. I’m blocking it.
So in order to feel again, I started an online argument with strangers on Facebook, again. Which made me feel – like shit, but at least I feel something.
In order to feel again, I get restless, bored, irritable with my children and wonder why the hell I stay here on this planet when insanity is the order of the day from our politicians or so-called “leaders”.
For children with autism, they often require a firm touch, or to be squished under something, or to pinch themselves. For teens who self-harm, they cut, just to feel something. But I’ve got this restlessness that I have no amount of pinching or squishing that will help me to feel again.
I am stuck. I am stagnant and usually to get out of this, I go for a walk in the bush or I go to the gym or I hang upside down on the trapeze, but with an injury, now I can’t. So not only am I emotionally stuck but physically unable to use my legs with any efficiency.
It’s strange, but I feel like we as a global community are coming towards a crisis point. It’s like we have a choice to continue down the militarised, consumeristic, materialistic, selfish, ego-driven lives, OR we can choose art, creativity, collective co-operation and consciousness, sustainable heart-centred world. I feel like crap when I think of the first, I feel crushed, defeated, exhausted and not wanting to be here anymore. But when I think of the possibilities of the second my heart expands, I can feel it opening, enlarging, filling me up with joy and connectedness to all of life. I feel alive again.
Each one of us has a choice, everyday with how we respond to the events in the world and what we draw our attention to. We can choose love, or we can choose insanity, we can choose heart, or we can choose ego. It's our choice.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the insanity of this world and the best way is to disconnect from it. I’ve turned off my notifications on my social media, turned the sound off text messages, except from my kids, we don’t use the television for anything other than movies, Friends and David Attenborough and I’m thinking that it’s best if I also stop checking my Facebook newsfeed. The newsfeed is addictive. You keep scrolling until you find where you last checked in, but the reality is, it’s like going into Ikea, you are trapped in there until you find a way out!! It's like one of those poker machines, designed to suck you in!
I understand that by turning off newsfeed I’m at risk of advising others to not see my latest updates from my website, but the truth of is, Facebook doesn’t make me happy. It saps away at my valuable time that I could be spent with family and friends and in the bush, or reading amazing novels, or finishing my amazing novel that I’m writing!
My numbness comes from not living.
My numbness comes from living in my ego centre.
My numbness comes from lack of creativity.
My numbness comes from being a passive recipient of life, not an active participant in it.
My numbness and apathy comes from being at a point of emotional saturation of global madness that I can’t cope with it anymore.
So, I share only positive things.
I am starting to share images and messages that I want for the world, not the world that I don’t want.
I am sharing positive, uplifting things like on Bright Side and I’m spending more time in feeding the world I DO want, not
fighting against the world I don’t.
It’s a fine line that.
But it’s about energetic intention. Fighting implies effort, hard work and animosity, someone will always lose in a fight, but what if we share all the amazing and beautiful things in the world and pour our energy into supporting small businesses, local farmers and entrepreneurs, individuals with a heart-centred vision, not faceless corporations who suck the life out of the world and its people?
My numbness comes from not wanting to be here – in a superficial, ego-centred, money-driven world. No wonder people turn to drugs for escape. I can see how easy it would be to go down that track, but it’s not the answer. Escape from one reality is not the way to create a new world. The way to create a new one, to get the feeling back is to nurture the love, kindness, compassion and generosity of spirit that is in us all.
I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to be loved. At the core, we all have an innate need to belong, to connect, to be
loved and nurtured. So, we need to start loving more. We need to love the plants, the water, the animals, the people that are in or come into our lives, regardless of how long they stay. We need to operate in all moments from our loving heart and respond from our heart centre.
And, so I write.
I write to share my loving heart.
I write to share the human experience in this time of great awakening.
I write to feel.
And so I do.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
"...perhaps the idea of that ONE person that fits us perfectly is the idea we need to let us go. Who comes to us, is perfect for us, at that time. We have a choice in that moment to experience what that person offers, but it doesn’t make them the ‘One.’"
We have been sold a lie; in movies, stories and popular culture, a hang up from the stories of heroic knights and chivalry of the middle ages that made a resurgence with the romantic tales of Jane Austen* and more recently, Disney and their ideals.
The perfect relationship. The perfect romance. The perfect lover. It’s a lie. And a lie that sells. The idea that there is one person who you will stay connected to your whole life. This belief is hard to break because not only is it generational but the way it is marketed taps into our innate feelings of wanting to give and receive love, into our innate fear of being alone and into our belief that we are not enough just as we are. Clever, but wrong.
Somehow that story, the expectation that we are destined for our one true love, that there is one perfect mate out there for everyone has seeped its way into the deepest parts of who we are and it clouds our judgement of connection with people. ‘Soul mates’, ‘twin souls’, ‘The One’ are now common language when we discuss dating and relationships, there are whole websites and blogs devoted to these ideas, and I myself have previously written about them.
We go through life thinking that we are owed this thing and it’s nothing more than about 250 years of popular culture, an idea, a utopian dream, a great social expectation that is nothing more than ONE version of a great life. Prior to then marriage was a financial transaction or arrangement between families, something that continues in many parts of the world today. By all means we should have a right to choose our partners!! But perhaps the idea of that ONE person that fits us perfectly is the idea we need to let us go. Who comes to us, is perfect for us, at that time. We have a choice in that moment to experience what that person offers, but it doesn’t make them the ‘One.’
What accompanies this social expectation is the belief that there is something wrong with single people. Umm, what?!
We have not failed if we don’t meet “the one” or if it doesn’t work out with someone. It just is. Similarly single people are not sad and feeling unloved, in many ways they are embracing the opportunities. A friend of mine who is 54 said yesterday, “I was married for 30 years, I’ve had all that. I don’t need that. I’ve done it, tick.” She is completely enjoying where she is and while not closed to the idea of another relationship, it is not consuming her, it doesn’t make her feel like a failure that she doesn’t have one and she’s not actively seeking one.
But what if there is NO one person that is just right for us?
Just let that sink it for a moment…
What if there is no perfect soul mate, twin soul or perfect partner?
What if we just went with the flow and embraced the opportunities that arose in meaningful connections with people as they flow into our lives?
What if we stopped defining relationships on how long you are with someone, but how much they changed your life, how much they helped you to grow into the best version of yourself?
What if we stopped expecting a relationship because we felt a sense of entitlement to it?
What if we didn’t make a commitment for life, but a commitment to the moment?
I’m not in any way advocating divorce, polyamory or bigamy, but if that works for you and your situation and everyone involved are consenting adults, who am I to judge how you live your lives?
What if we lived without ego and attachment and went with the flow without having any expectations on another?
I would make someone a very lucky man, I would be an amazing wife/lover/best friend/life partner, but after 41 years without having that experience, I have to wonder if my path is not to have that experience in this lifetime? Unlike my girlfriend who has 30 years’ experience, I have none. I would like to experience what that is like, but unlike before, I no longer feel a sense of entitlement or expectation.
I have met an amazing human being and being psychic, I have seen the incredibly fantastic life we could share together. He has also seen it, as he too has the gift. But what if a committed relationship was not our purpose in connecting in this life? What if it was just to help me to grow and to learn non-attachment? What if he was just one of many incredible possibilities that are available for me in this life? By attaching expectations that it would turn into something else more committed, I corrupted it, rather than just going with the flow.
Anyone can be a ‘soul-mate’ or more correctly, an adventure buddy through life, but it’s about what we are willing to accept in them or not. We make choices every day about our clothes and food and what car we drive. Do we put on a dress and say, “Yes, this one will work for life?” Of course not! But you wear it, you feel good in it and maybe you might keep it for life, but sometimes dresses fade, sometimes relationships just don’t work and sometimes they do. Of course we all admire the wonderful couples who seem to have it all – romantic love, family, material possessions and of course the back-up of each other, but they are rare. They are one way of living life. There is no right way.
Not all relationships have to be romantic; they can be companionable, sexual, financial and about parenting. But what is at the core of them all is connection. When you have a connection with someone, it’s worth exploring deeper. You don’t know if that dress will fade, or the light that they have for you will die out, or if it will be a keeper that you can wear to your grave, and you never know what you just might find out about yourself and where it will go. And you don’t need to know. When a flower blossoms, it doesn’t ask what it will be, it just is, so it is with connections with others.
Stop seeking the lie, the fairy tale. It is social learning that needs to be undone.
It is this learning that corrupts our connections. It creates expectation.
When, like all of life, we need to just be and allow what is meant for us to come, if it stays, great! If it doesn’t, we let go and breathe, we are still wonderful. Today is a new day.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
*I love Jane Austen and some Disney flicks and I love the middle ages – it’s my favourite period in history.
"What’s happening within myself and others, is we’ve had enough. There are better ways for a society to be, to co-exist peacefully among ourselves. We need a Revolution, but we do not need the invention of another grotesque machine like the guillotine, but we need an inner revolution."
The French Revolution was a bloody bloodbath, but it came as a result of the elite and wealthy spending all of the taxes on excess (amongst other things). According to Woloch (1982, p. 332) it was a time of the monarchy that was “tarnished by previous political conflicts and false starts towards reform.” Does that sound familiar? For an Australian under what feels like an autocracy, sometimes it feels like we are constantly under the leadership of ego-centred men who cater only to the wealthy and corporate interests while ordinary Australians are yoked under more and more restrictive policies. For example, NSW is now proposing bicycle licences and there are talks about banning weekend markets! How much more ridiculous can you get!? Woloch goes onto say “there seemed to be no way to forge a consensus, no mechanisms or institutions to harmonise diverse viewpoints.” The Right and the Left are becoming so distant from each other that we can no longer have rational discussions about issues that affect all of us. There seems to be an attitude of “you’re either with us or against us” and anyone who views things differently will now fall under the latest wave of “terrorism” laws.
I didn’t want this blog to be about politics, but I can’t help drawing similarities between Australia in 2016 and the period leading up to both the French Revolution and Nazi Germany. The increasingly absolutist (complete and unrestricted power) philosophies and censorship in modern Australia mirrors that of pre-Revolutionary France and Nazi Germany. Our leaders no longer listen to rational debate and are armed with a full marketing team, including cyber-trolls to specifically target groups and individuals that oppose them and their viewpoint. I suspect similar things are happening in other countries (again, very Nazi Germany).
Back to today, what I find is happening within myself is that I am no longer willing to accept the status quo, I am no longer willing to accept that children and innocent people who were seeking asylum, imprisoned on an island with their complete loss of Human Rights, all for what? They are pawns in a messy political game. I am no longer willing to allow the damage and destruction of global environmental treasures like the Great Barrier Reef, the Kimberleys, Tasmanian Wilderness and Uluru and our underground water supply for short-term financial gain. I am no longer willing to accept that politicians know what the best educational outcomes for children are…teachers are, parents are, the kids themselves are. I am sick of the racist, homophobic, misogynistic rantings by people who have no idea the damage they do to other people by their rhetoric (yes, Donald Trump and Tony Abbott, I’m talking about you), I’m sick of the Arts/Education/Health/Disability funding to be ripped from the people who most need it and funnelled into the giant war machine that is completely driven by Washington…and so it goes.
Protesting is not working, media outlets just aren’t covering the massive protests, writing letters and signing online petitions doesn’t work, you end up getting a stock-standard letter from your local member telling you how they are investigating it – letters to placate you and treat you like your voice is not important because they know best. Sticking your head in the sand and saying “I don’t mind the government having all my details, because I’ve done nothing wrong” just makes them take and take more. So what can we do? A friend of mine said the other day: “Love the ones you’re with and share information,” and I think she’s right. I think that’s the key.
What’s happening within myself and others, is we’ve had enough. There are better ways for a society to be, to co-exist peacefully among ourselves. We need a Revolution, but we do not need the invention of another grotesque machine like the guillotine, but we need an inner revolution. Hurt people, hurt people. And, increasingly, I’m thinking we don’t need absolute leaders. The leadership model is flawed. I am no expert on gardening, I don’t wish to be, but I know plenty of people who are passionate about gardening who I can learn from. I am no expert on how to design and build homes, but there are plenty of people who do. We need a revolution of society, of how we do things about how we exist, the way we consume like ravenous beasts across this finite living planet.
I think firstly that we should continue to protest, write letters, sign petitions, but we also have a massive resource at our fingertips. The Internet. Whilst there is some censorship, there are heaps of hackers who know how to get around the security. The internet is an amazing way to connect with like-minded beings, but also people who are unaware of the way we are being manipulated. I will not be manipulated anymore and I certainly don’t want others to be manipulated by the ego.
Secondly, I think we need to vision a world we do want. One where people feel heard and not like herded cattle in an abattoir (yes, I’m talking to you Ikea, Bunnings and Woolworths), one where people feel some control of their lives, not at the mercy of money (or lack thereof), or some sort of permission to do anything from the State. The models for education, health and politics aren’t working and the people who are leaving these systems are the most likely to create a change. We need a revolution from within and re-create the services in a way which is beneficial to all, not just the few. We need to create a world where we live in harmony with the environment, not try to dominate it from an ego-centred viewpoint.
I think we need to treat others how we would like the world to be. For me that means, despite my fundamental opposition to their politics and religion, I need to love the beings I disagree with, that includes the trolls. I also think, that for my mental health and sanity, I need to withdraw my energy from the world I don’t want and channel it into the world I do want. I don’t want to stop talking about, writing letters, or sharing the issues that matter on my social media, but I do need to share more of the sustainable, community driven initiatives that are out there and more importantly, be a more active part of them.
And finally, I need to believe that if everyone took responsibility for their own personal issues, their inner woundings, their hurt, their ego and sat in the beauty of their own divinity, of their own wonder, we wouldn’t need absolute leaders, because we would all be being authentically ourselves by bringing our gifts to the world. May you live authentically and be the most amazing you, you can be because that’s the sort of revolution that can bring about real and lasting change and more importantly, heads don’t have to be severed from necks. The world changes, when we do.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
Reference: Woloch, I., 1982, Eighteenth Century Europe: Tradition and Progress, 1715-1789, Norton, New York.