"I didn't feel like I had permission to be here, to be seen, to dress up, to look nice or to feel empowered. I felt like I didn't have the right to ...well, exist - anywhere outside of my house, my family or my workplace. I felt like an imposter, not just in the restaurant, but in the WORLD."
Since the great yoga-teacher-training-ego-death debarcle lessons of 2016, I've not been well. I've been floating in this space of uncertainty and grief looking for a part of me that I have lost. This is a poem I wrote recently that captures that feeling...
My ego death about my yoga identity, the empty-nest hollowness I feel about my children growing up and the loss of my home have all converged in this massive ball of grief that I feel almost all of the time these days.
What my children leaving has done, however is to remind me who I was BEFORE I became a mother.
Last night, my partner took myself and my youngest daughter out to dinner at the casino. I looked around at all of the women who were dressed immaculately and I could feel a mass of anxiety rising in the pit of my stomach, the realisation that I was an imposter; like I shouldn't have been there, because I had no right. Just like I did as a teenager and a young adult at university.
In both situations, I didn't feel like I had permission to be here, to be seen, to dress up, to look nice or to feel empowered. I felt like I didn't have the right to ...well, exist - anywhere outside of my house, my family or my workplace. I felt like an imposter, not just in the restaurant, but in the WORLD.
I am afraid of being seen and to be honest, my greatest fears (apart from tsunamis - and who isn't scared of them?!), is to be the bride in a wedding because that would make me the centre of attention. All of these fears were hidden while I was a mother, but now, it's come back in a full-frontal assault on my consciousness. There's this real sense of a feeling that I don't have permission to be happy, to have fun, or be successful outside my comfort zone of my introverted protective bubble that I created while my kids were around.
Recently I signed up for the Femme-preneur training with Marnie Le Fevre and the moment I signed up I realised that this was a woman who wouldn't allow any of this inner crap stay inside me, the training will break down these walls that I have put up to protect myself from rejection and hurt by others because in truth, I'm afraid to shine. I'm afraid to shine my own light and to just be fully in myself as Alyssa Curtayne. The moment I signed up, it was as if I actually started the training with her on an energetic level and I'm scared, I'm excited but mostly I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay with how things are because I'm not.
So, today, I'm asking myself what the most extraordinary thing I could imagine for my life. I'm breaking down the walls and giving myself permission to live an extraordinary life where I am comfortable in being the very best me I can be, the most beautiful me I could be and the most happy me I could be and in August I experience the training with Marnie, I know I'll just be ready to shine and let my vulnerable brilliant self be.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2019
"Or because I see the infinite potential of choices that I as a white, Australian woman have in my life? Of life slipping by in this rapid passing of time that we call life? I think it's simply because I don't want to waste my life. "
Cleaning, washing, routines. Blah.
Mundane. Dull. Uninspired.
Life can be so boring. Can't it?
I get bored easily. I don't often last at jobs or in houses or places for more than three years and by the time the three years roll around I'm as restless as a tiger pacing the confines of a zoo. I wish I had the staying power; the ability to just be happy with the routines of life. After all, life is made up of the mundane - shopping, cleaning, looking after children, working...but I want my life to be meaningful. I don't want to get to the end of my life and look back and go, "Wow, I could have done that instead I had to wait until the circumstances were right"...are the circumstances ever right? Teenagers are often easily bored, but when they allow themselves to be in that deep state of boredom they hit this moment where they find their creativity, their muse, their passion. But what about when you are bored with life?
One of my favourite sayings is "Chop wood, carry water, Englightenment, chop wood, carry water." It implies that even when we are enlightened or in an ecstatic state, we still need to carry on with the mundane. But oh, I find it so hard! The Merriam-Webster definition of boredom is: "the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest", so what is it that a job or a place can't hold my interest? Is it because I have no patience? I know that being patient is a virtue, but at what cost? Or because I see the infinite potential of choices that I as a white, Australian woman have in my life? Of life slipping by in this rapid passing of time that we call life? I think it's simply because I don't want to waste my life.
Yet, I hear my intuition telling me its time to move on and I keep pushing that feeling aside and dismissing it like my intuition means nothing. Our intuition can be such an incredible tool to travel through life. I once had a mentor say that my desire to keep moving is about my ego's need for variety and that I need to calm that base need. Maybe it is my ego, but isn't a healthy ego a good thing? Maybe I crave variety in my life, not as something to be ashamed of, but because variety means that I can have an interesting and spectacularly wonderful life, so that I can lie on my deathbed and say that I had no regrets.
In her book, Five Regrets of the Dying, former palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware spoke of the things that people wish they had done.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“The peace each of these dear people found before their passing is available now, without having to wait until your final hours. You have the choice to change your life, to be courageous, to live a life true to your heart, one that will see you pass without regret. ”
Already I can see how see how I am having regrets about my life and I'm not even half way through. I'm not living true to myself, I'm not following my intuition and I certainly don't let myself be happy. Thus, we return to boredom. The mundane. There has to be more to life than housework and routines. So perhaps in reality, my boredom is my way of searching for meaning in my life and when I start listening to my intuition again, maybe I'll create space to be happy. So, just for today, I will follow the signs given to me from the Universe and see where it leads.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2019