"Life’s too short not to go deep. Life’s too short not to be emotionally authentic. I don’t think it’s too much to turn down casual sex and it certainly doesn’t make me a prude. But by all means if it rocks your socks and you are not using it as an avoidance tactic for true, deep, intimacy, go crazy, use a condom and tell your partner how it is before she gets too invested in you."
I wish I could do casual sex. I really do. On a recent question I asked on a singles group on Facebook an overwhelming number of them had a FWB, friend with benefits. I have one of those if I want it, a lovely young man who flies into my city every couple of months, we eat, laugh, he makes me feel special for a couple of hours! But I don’t really want that. Why would I go through the process of the messiness and complications of sex when I can satisfy the animalistic urge, with the aid of my trusty dildo and/or vibrator, by myself! With that, there’s no explaining to the kids who the strange man is who comes and stays every now and then, my reputation with my children is secure and I don’t have to tell him that I don’t see a future between us.
I am mind-boggled by the amount of people that do have casual sex with not just a few people but sometimes in the hundreds! I cannot even comprehend this! I remember a girlfriend telling me she bunked with a 19-year-old backpacker who had slept with more than 100 men and had all their details documented in a notebook! Really?! Nineteen! I must be just getting old or it could be because I’m from an older generation who grew up with those horrific AIDS ads of the 1980s which I’m quite confident in saying, scarred me and scared me for life about casual sex.
I’m not saying I haven’t done it, I just haven’t done it a lot and I rarely enjoy it. I fail to see the point of a couple of hours with someone you don’t know, who you don’t want to know and like Australian singer-songwriter Josh Pyke says in Forever Song: “But I just can’t credit, that type of effort for a, piece of nothing on the edge of a knife.” It’s like junk food to me, you have it occasionally, it tastes good but the pleasure is momentary and not long-lasting. Like junk food, it can become addictive to some people and I understand why, with each time that you do it, you can call off any depth of connection or intimacy by not going back, there is no real nutrition in casual sex, no depth, no substance, it’s just a bit of fun…well, nothing.
I love sex, but I love myself more. I wish I could do casual sex, I really do. But it takes a while for me to trust someone enough with my heart, let alone want them into my most sacred of spaces. I am also a woman who loves deeply. I fall deeply when I feel something for someone. Casual sex for me is emotionally dangerous. I would rather self-pleasure on my own and nurture me than use someone for a couple of hours and feel used by them, even if that was never their intention.
We live in a society where physical appearance is valued over anything else and sexuality has become as disposable as coffee cups. On the online chat yesterday, someone said the reason that I hadn’t found what I was looking for was because I wasn’t willing to go casual, because I want something with depth, with meaning, with intimacy, because I want to see a man’s vulnerability and surrender, not his conquering of me as another notch in his belt. I want to feel his weight on me and his heart’s openness afterwards, not help him into his pants and out the door. This guy’s response was that you cannot get deep straight away, you need to “test-drive the car” first. I completely disagree! Emotional intimacy is something that comes easy to me, maybe I’m the unusual one, maybe the rest of the world is not very good at it. Maybe everyone else just censors what they really feel and aren't honest with themselves.
I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve turned down casual sex and I don’t regret any of those times. Not one of those men had any investment in me as a person or as anything more than a temporary fix for their base sexual desire. Sex is more than orgasm. Sex is more than a piece of nothing on the edge of the night. Sex is more than animalistic desire for release. As a woman on the Facebook chat wrote: “I find physical intimacy only very shallow and superficial...the ego becomes too much for them.” We are in a fascinating time as women are starting to reclaim their feminine power, this can be seen with the abundance of women’s empowerment courses and women’s circles available.
But while women are claiming their power, we are asking for men to step up and be the conscious masculine that we deserve. As this woman said; “If a man hasn’t figured himself yet, he’ll only screw up every woman he comes across working himself out. A truly conscious man can awaken his Shiva and know how to connect with an evolved and embodied woman.”
An evolved woman doesn’t want casual sex, she knows that she is worth more than that. But unfortunately, men haven’t caught up with us just yet. A woman is more than just her vagina, she is a complex, open, loving being, just as a man is more than his penis. I want his certainty, his desire for me to be both an animalistic desire to “shred your clothes off”, but also a desire to follow his curiosity and fascination of me and dive deep into knowing each other in a way which is more than just physical, to learn about me through and inside of the sexual experience, but also outside of it.
When you have a connection with someone, it is worth exploring deeper, you never know what you just might find out
about yourself and where it will go. Life’s too short not to go deep. Life’s too short not to be emotionally authentic. I don’t think it’s too much to turn down casual sex and it certainly doesn’t make me a prude. But by all means if it rocks your socks and you are not using it as an avoidance tactic for true, deep, intimacy, go crazy, use a condom and tell your partner how it is before she gets too invested in you.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
"So in having attachments to a physical man, I lose any connection that I have with the divine masculine because I (incorrectly) feel that this man is the vessel that holds the divine masculine that matches my divine feminine. What a great expectation to place upon a man!! "
I have always sought out divine union (see video above). I just didn’t realise it until today. I have looked for a partner who embodies the qualities in a man that best matches mine, but more importantly, I sought connection with the masculine outside myself in the form of the men that came into my life.
In the men that I have attracted into my in my life, I could see the divine masculine, I could see their divinity, and my divine feminine craves connection with that. So much so that I am unconsciously willing to destroy the friendships with these men in order to get this union. What this has presented to these beautiful men is desperation, not necessarily to them as individuals, but to the divine masculine within them. I want to connect, I crave connection. It feels like I’m incomplete without the connection. Maybe that’s where the old story of the “other half” originated??
I have had some amazing experiences with the divine feminine, particularly through the online courses that I’ve done with Leyolah Antara of Kundalini Dance (I highly recommend this course for men and women to get in touch with the inner feminine, it's life-changing). My experience of the divine feminine is that you come into a centred space and connect with your roots and allow your roots to go deep into the earth. Then in calling up the energy from the earth, the earth mother, Gaia or the divine feminine, it enters through our root chakra and works its way upwards through the chakras. It is an inexplicable experience, an orgasm of a monumental kind that encompasses the whole body, the whole energy field, it is ecstatic. It is timeless, it is whole body orgasmic.
This morning I realised that by constantly seeking outside of myself I will never find the divine masculine, because the divine masculine exists within me. I think my fear of God started quite young, I’m not sure when, probably in those playground conversations that kids share their beliefs that they bring from home; innocent misinterpretations of Hell, the Devil and sin that serve to create fear. Well, it worked, I feared God. I didn’t want anything to do with God until all my friends were Christians and regularly attending church and I felt left out so I wanted to join them. Luckily my parents and the pastor said it would be best if I waited. Thank God they did! I would have been a very lax Christian and have fundamental problems with the institution of the church.
But enough about that.
Now have to learn to love the masculine and learned to be loved by it, not in an objectification of men, but in loving their inner God (and goddess) and more importantly MY inner God. I need to find a connection with the masculine within me, one that guides me, that balances out my very strong and empowered feminine. I, like many women, have become so strong in our femininity that we have not allowed room for the masculine to enter. My few experiences with the coming of the masculine into me is through the crown chakra. It came through and intertwined with my rising feminine and they connected in this electric, ecstatic orgasm. I truly have no other words for it, it was incredible. But by attaching my receptivity of the masculine into a physical man, I have blocked the divine masculine from entering. I have allowed attachment to block one of my most important connections, to myself.
Let me explain better. My major connections with men have started out very relaxed, fun, organic and balanced and then I start having expectations of where it should be going, having a label to put onto our “relationship” and I start to corrupt it. I start attaching a (flawed) belief that this person is the one for me because of our connection (and in all honesty, they could all be perfect for me). This leads them to (naturally) pull away and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. The answer to that question is quite simply, nothing. I am an amazing, loving and compassionate woman who happens to have a tendency to attach expectations to the men in my life. So in having attachments to a physical man, I lose any connection that I have with the divine masculine because I (incorrectly) feel that this man is the vessel that holds the divine masculine that matches my divine feminine. What a great expectation to place upon a man!! How much pressure am I putting on him when I place all the weight of divine masculinity on him, on a person outside my own being, no wonder they run!
Instead, I need to change; I need to change my thoughts and my habits. Nothing in my world will change if I don’t first change from within. I need to learn to love the masculine energy, but more so, rather than just connecting to the divine feminine (as explained above) I need to also connect with the masculine within me and bring the two together in perfect balance and union. Then I will be vibrating in a place where rather than having someone to fill my need for the masculine, I can turn within to find that and flow with whoever comes into my life. I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. It was important for me to first find the feminine because of my gender, but one without the other is an incomplete picture.
I’m sure many of you will not understand this as I’ve not seen any work about this issue online and like all things I experience things and then read about them. Instead I’ve given you my experience of the divine masculine, divine feminine and divine union. I hope that you get what you need and it has helped you to release attachment and connect to the divine feminine and masculine within you and help you to find the divine spark of loving union that is in all of us.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
"I hide aspects of who I am, depending on who I am with, what I think they expect to see from me. That is shapeshifting. I mold myself into other people’s expectations"
I am a shapeshifter. I drift with the wind. I am never able to manifest what I want because I’m too busy going with the flow and adjusting to every environment that I find myself in. Another amazing lesson by GSM delivered without his knowledge (GSM is a gorgeous sexy man who I feel an indescribable connection with but we have never moved beyond the attraction stage).
Anyway, back to the shapeshifting. Traditionally shapeshifting has been about changing physical form into animals and inanimate objects, but the shapeshifting that I’m talking about is shifting with the environment that you find yourself in. I saw a quote recently that said (and I paraphrase): “In any population, 10 percent are malicious, 10 percent are all goodness and the other 80 percent can be swayed either way.” How does this happen? How do we surrender who we are and be so malleable to the biggest voice? If I think about who I am with my parents and family of birth, my children, in a teaching role, as a teacher, lover, friend, in yoga or at the gym or writing or working with my cards, I am a different person in each situation and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, but the only place I feel truly myself is when I’m by myself. So, I hide aspects of who I am, depending on who I am with, what I think they expect to see from me. That is shapeshifting. I mould myself into other people’s expectations (a 20 year career in the education sector has that effect).
For me this has manifested as, well, an inability to manifest money, a committed relationship and a career that I love. Why? Because I keep changing my mind. I haven’t ever been clear on what I want. I’ll drive around this beautiful city that I live in and find a lovely tree-lined suburb and go “Oooh, it would be nice to live here,” then half an hour later I’m doing the same in another suburb! I’ll look at travel magazines and see places and want to go there, but I never do. I never make a decision on where I want to live, the job I want, or the type of man that I want to be with (they’re all so delicious aren’t they?).
I’ll give you an example of what I mean. Yesterday I had lined up a man to buy my car and had organised a new car for myself. During the course of the week I started having doubts about selling and buying. I started being indecisive. I started wondering if I was selling the car for a genuine reason or because I crave variety. So, on the morning of the sale, the buyer backed out. Why? Because I was indecisive. Because I hadn’t been clear in my intentions for what I wanted and so therefore, it turned into a confused and quite uncomfortable situation for me, the buyer and the seller of my “new car”. So what do I need to do? Make a decision!
I then transferred that knowledge I learned about the car to relationships. With GSM, I have been trying to be what I think he wants without being authentic to me. I didn’t know what I wanted when I met him, but once I met him, I knew I wanted something like he could offer, I knew that he was a man who I could love and be loved by and who I could communicate effectively with. But, he didn’t want a relationship. So I tried out being casual and non-committal, I shapeshifted into what
I thought he wanted, but I finally realised that is NOT what I want. I could do it, of that I have no doubt, but do I WANT to do it? No. I don’t want to be somebody’s casual option. I want to be somebody’s best friend, supporter and well, somebody’s commitment and I will be amazing at it.
If I transfer that knowledge to politics, it explains the insanity currently gripping the planet with hysterical nonsense that fills our newsfeed. If people don’t know what they want, if they are constantly confused and drifting between what they want – if they are pulled by their desires, they cannot make decisions. They cannot make coherent decisions. They are indecisive, they shapeshift, they become who they think the world wants, rather than who they authentically are. I choose a creative, artistic, collectively conscious, sustainable, heart-centred world every time. (Interesting, politics is not an area of my life that is indecisive, I know what I want for the world. Perhaps exploration of that in another blog!)
If I think about how very short life is, I don’t want to waste precious time of the human experience waiting for things to happen, I want to feel empowered to create the life that I want to experience and to do that, I have to stop shapeshifting into different people in different situations and be resoundingly clear about what I want to experience. I need to make decisions. I need to commit to those decisions and I need to be clear on what I want as there is no room, or time for indecision and definitely no time for shapeshifting. I need to commit to me and my life and what a commitment that is, because I am so very worth it.
May you make a committed decision today.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016