In the past 12 months I’ve been doing a lot of work on the feminine and finding balance. Most of the work has been done in courses online with Leyolah Antara from Kundalini Dance (www.kundalinidance.com) and I can’t recommend it highly enough for both men and women. If I had enough funds, I would have gone to Bali earlier this year to complete the teacher training, but alas, it is clearly not the right time yet, the money hasn’t arrived. So, instead, I dutifully listen to the recordings, practice the breathing and dancing and reflect deeply and release all that no longer serves me. If I look back on the past few blog entries, they too are reflective of my place in my unfolding of the divine mother and the goddess within me and my progress through the latest course.
Before the first lesson last year, I had gone in feeling very stale and unsexual and lacking any libido or care for sex (which is somewhat not my normal healthy state – is it for anyone?). After the first recording, I kid you not, I felt beautiful, sexy and so very juicy (Gee, I hope my parents aren’t reading this!). Since then, I feel like I’ve gone from strength to strength and today, my trainer at the gym called me a Goddess! Excellent, that’s what I’m aiming for! She said that I had undergone a transformation in attitude and it very much feels like it. I no longer take any crap, I am not willing to accept just anyone in my life and while I haven’t mastered it yet, I return to my centre, my womb space when I get stressed to find my place of stillness.
This week is solar plexus chakra week (if you don’t know what chakras are, please just google them), and therefore the third week of the course and already stuff has come up for me in regards to balancing the masculine and feminine. I feel completely alive in the feminine and feel like I am on-track to feel like a goddess, but this morning, again, fear of the masculine came up again. Yet, within each of us there is a balance of masculine and feminine, the masculine is the DO-ing and the feminine the BE-ing. And I wonder how often as a single mum I’ve had to be in the masculine, DO-ing…well…everything and in the absence of a regular lover, I’ve been my own amazing lover (and it keeps just getting better). In the BE-ing space, I feel soft, sexy, sensitive and gentle, nurtured and nurturing. I feel open to receiving and love very much from the heart space. In the DO-ing space, it’s very cerebral and active, but also for a very indecisive person like myself, the masculine space is decisive and it too comes from the heart and throat area. I suppose everything is different for everyone, but this is how it manifests for me.
I have been indecisive for as long as I can remember and my kids will attest that every couple of weeks or months I start looking for new places to move to, new adventures to have and looking for new jobs. I have trouble committing to things and I think I’ve finally figured out why. The masculine is the DO-ing, it is decisive. As a single parent, I am ALWAYS DO-ing things for the household, for the kids and so when I start to look for new things, seeking new adventures, it means that my masculine is out of balance. I’ve overdone it. I haven’t created space for the nurturing pulse of the deep feminine. For me, I suppose that to get that balance, I’ve dropped back into my feminine in receiving masturbation and self-pleasure, but I have also spent so much money and time on courses and workshops that I could probably successfully run my own self-help workshops without much planning or thought. But I wonder if there is another way to get the masculine in balance?
In my experience the feminine has been felt as an energy that rises from deep in the Earth and the masculine comes down through the crown where they meet in the root chakra and together they intertwine and work their way up to the top of the palate of the mouth. It’s a place where you can press your tongue. This is my experience and in no way do I say that this is the right way, it is the way it is for me. Modern spiritual books and tantric texts call it divine union – that is the healthy balanced union of the masculine and feminine within the one body; within the self. In this space I have had such ecstatic orgasms (yes, on my own) that transcend time and space and language to describe the feeling. Ecstasy is defined by dictionary.com as “rapturous delight”, yet it doesn’t seem adequate. It’s more than physical. It’s I suppose what religious folk would describe as being touched by God, yet, it’s more than that too.
In many ways, when we seek a partner, we are seeking someone who embodies the matching polarities of our own masculine and feminine; someone who has just enough feminine and masculine to balance. (Just to be clear, the sex or sexual orientation of the person makes no difference). But, if we are out of balance, how can we possibly have a fully-functional relationship with another person? I suppose, plenty of people have functional relationships every day, but for people who are soul-driven like myself, I want more. I want to maintain the divine union within me, but also to find another person who is in complete balance (or can identify when they are out of balance and realign) and their own divine union and share that energy together. I think to maintain balance, there needs to be an awareness of BE-ing and DO-ing and realise when we are not respecting both the masculine and feminine parts of ourselves. For me, I will be more fully present when doing the dishes, hanging the washing and completing the tasks that a parent needs to do to care for their children, but also create more time for me to just BE in stillness and receive things like massages, cuppas from friends and the time alone that is so rare for parents.
I’ve sort of come into this spiritual realisation, as all of my realisations on my own, and then I discover an author who has already written about it. I think I like the self-discovery aspect of it, I would rather come to some self-discovery than have someone tell me how it “should” be. I remember in my teenage experience with astral travelling in meditation and had no description for it and I was told that I was crazy, and then I picked up a book and there it was, in print, my experience that had already been described. As I was writing this piece I literally came across author David Deida (www.deida.info) and can’t believe I haven’t come across him before, but as with all of my learnings, it validates that my process of self-discovery works and while I’m not the first to discover this, I know that for me, I have learned it first and know it to be truth for me. I know that I’m on track for my divine union both within and without. May you find balance within yourself today and every day.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2015
Today, I had an experience which flashed me back to my high school days when I was told that I was gullible or naïve for believing stories that people told, that turned out not to be true. At the time, admittedly I was a very sheltered child and I thank my parents daily for protecting me from some of the truly monumental crap that people out there do. Yet, my siblings weren’t naïve or gullible. Maybe because I’m the eldest and I saw the world through a child’s eyes for so very long. I have long believed in the goodness in all people, in the wonder of the world of the fact that I tell the truth and am always honest, yet somehow, expect other people to see and interact in the world in the same way.
I didn’t have many friends in primary and high school. I grew up in a small town and never really clicked with anyone in the way that I have as an adult with my best girlfriends. A girl who I thought was my friend betrayed me in a way that I cannot forget, I can certainly forgive, but what she did to me was appalling, even by today’s standards. Our families were very good friends and we went camping together and spent a lot of time together, then when I was about 10, she moved to a town an hour away. We continued to see them over the years and in year eight, I was invited over to stay with her for a few days. In the meanwhile, she had made a new friend, who I instantly disliked, but thought I should give her the benefit of the doubt because my friend was her friend.
My friend’s mum and brothers went out for a few hours and their plan was to do a nudie run around the house. I was to go first. So, I stripped naked and they pushed me out the door and I ran around as we agreed. When I returned, they wouldn’t let me in. I could hear them giggling on the other side of the door and I vividly remember sitting on the cold steps outside wondering what I could do, or if there was a window open or if I could beat them at their own game. Alas, I couldn’t. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that she would betray me like that. It was cruel, and, yes, her betrayal still hurts. After I had my first daughter ten years later, she came back into my life and I thought it would be a good opportunity to mend some of the hurt. So after seeing her at a family event, I went to see her at her workplace. Carrying my daughter in my arms I had hoped to see if she wanted to catch up for a cuppa or something. As soon as she saw me enter the building, I saw her dive under her desk and pretend that she didn’t see me. About 18 months later an invitation to her wedding arrived and my mother couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t going. As you can understand, I never want to see this woman ever again.
She was my first best friend. And she betrayed me. She abused my innocence about the world and it left me with trust issues around friendships that I still carry today. Obviously, as a 40 year old with three daughters of my own, I can see that she really wasn’t my friend, but showed her true colours when it was asked of her. Which brings me back to my naïveté, was I naïve, or did I go into the friendship with an open heart and expecting the same in return?
Today’s event was a disclosure of some information by my eldest child about her life and her past. I am not angry at her for what she did, it was a choice that she made – despite my best advice and parenting skills about the issue to prevent it from happening in the first place. What I’m upset about, is why I didn’t see it at the time. Am I so blindingly naïve that I can’t even see things going on in my own child’s life and the changes that it brings in her? Am I too self-involved? Do I only choose to see the light and potential in someone and aren’t realistic enough to see what’s in-front of my own eyes. According to www.dictionary.com naïve means to “have or show unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality”. Am I so simplistic that I see the true nature of people without seeing what they put up as their “mask” that they show the world? Do I love my daughter so much that I’m blinded by the masks that she wears? Is it a bad thing to see the absence of artificiality? Is it a personality flaw that I carry to wander through the world expecting the best and the authentic truth from other people, only to be disappointed by their artificial ways? Or is it a strength?
Dictionary.com also uses the words: “unsophisticated; ingenuous and; having or showing lack of experience, judgement or information; credulous.” I don’t think I’m unsophisticated, but I suppose in many areas of my life, I do lack experience, yet I’m hardly what you would call “street smart”. I didn’t get drunk until my late teens and my first real sexual experience was around the same time. Does that make me naïve? Or does it make me a good judgment of what works for me? I remember in high school, kids telling stories, and I would listen attentively and my face would obviously show shock, or despair or sadness, and then the storyteller would sit back and go, “you’re so naïve, you’d believe anything.” To me, that’s somewhat inauthentic, and yes, artificial. Is there something wrong with believing in the goodness of other people? In-fact, in my teaching job, that personal quality has led me to help many of the “unteachable” kids that society throws away. I’m very good at that role – planning and assessing and all that other stuff, not so much, but seeing the goodness, the humanity, the real pain and suffering of traumatised kids – I’m good at that. Even yesterday at work, I was told that one of the students was “playing me”. Was I being played? Or was I being a compassionate being, catering to his needs and hearing his voice?
Even if I think about my adult relationships, both with friends and lovers, I always go in expecting the best, seeing the best, encouraging the best. But like one of my dearest friends once said to me, “You really don’t know what another person is thinking of you.” And that’s both positive and negative, yet, I always hold friends and lovers at an arm’s length, never quite opening right up, because this little voice in my head, in my body, remembers my best friend’s betrayal at 13. It remembers the childhood woundings of being openly lied to and then laughed at when I couldn’t believe I was lied to.
No, I don’t think being innocent, or naïve is a flaw, it is a strength. And if I am the only person on this planet who is authentic, deeply honest and not afraid to speak my truth, well, so be it. I would rather a world where everyone speaks deeply from the heart and sees the world with childlike wonder, than to play these silly games with people’s emotions and to wear a mask of artificiality. From my open heart to yours,
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2015