"We internalise this love energy inside us. It has nowhere to go and this turns us into a sad, broken and full-of-angst human being who feels rejected, lost and/or alone. It brings up the story that we tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough. "
According to online dictionaries, unrequited means “not reciprocated or returned in kind” and there are a mass of solutions to this particular problem across the Internet that is not specific to gender. But I think we’ve been looking at it from the wrong perspective. Psychology isn’t the solution to this problem. Energy is.
Most people at some point probably experience the pain and anguish of loving someone who can’t or won’t love us back. We twist ourselves into a pretzel trying not to love this person until we get over them or they or us move on.
But what if we just loved them?
I don’t mean the obsessive, stalking, possessive “he/she will be mine” love! But what if we acknowledged the feelings that we have for them and really owned those feelings?
What if we just loved them, instead of beating ourselves up about our feelings?
What if we just allowed the flow of love to come through our hearts and connect with that other human being in a compassionate and natural way?
So often is we block the flow of love for a number of reasons:
We are all energetic beings, we’ve felt the expansiveness of the love we feel from our heart space when in-love, or for our family, friends or children and that energy can be a tangible entity for some people.
We fall in love with who we fall in love with.
The first time GSM (Gorgeous Sexy Man) and I embraced, I felt like my heart exploded, I felt our hearts connect and I started feeling his presence when he was thinking of me. It was (and has been) intense, blissful and in all honestly, a little scary.
I knew he was important, but because a relationship was not what he wanted, I blocked it. I was trying to protect him from the massive well of love that I had for him that he wasn’t ready for.
But in this blocking, our heart energy shuts down and damages our flow and energetic balance.
We internalise this love energy inside us. It has nowhere to go and this turns us into a sad, broken and full-of-angst human being who feels rejected, lost and/or alone. It brings up the story that we tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough. Just like a dam overfilling, the energy has to flow somewhere, so it flows into obsession, pining and other distracting behaviours directed by the ego as a way to cope with the misdirected energy.
We lose ourselves.
We lose the authentic part of ourselves that has a huge well of love to give and we become someone else. We become the pretzel. We close our hearts down to ourselves, but also anyone else that enters our lives. We close down any opportunities for love in our world because our hearts are closed down to everything except our beloved.
I said to my girlfriend this week that I loved GSM and she said simply, “so love him.” It seemed so simple but somehow it gave me permission to love him. I don’t need anyone’s permission, but for some reason, what she said gave me permission to love him unconditionally.
There’s a scene in Eat, Pray, Love when a miserable Liz says “but I love him,” and he replies, “so love him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it,” and I suppose many of us have heard this quote and cognitively know it makes sense, but to actually feel it, that’s another thing and it has been transformative.
To really feel that love that you feel for someone; to feel it flowing through your heart, pulsing with life and the energy from the earth and from your essence, to Love, even if they don’t love you back…it’s so expansive and freeing.
Take back your energy. Take back your power to just love. Connect to the divine being that you are.
It doesn’t matter if your beloved doesn’t want you back, but in that flowing of energy from your heart to theirs, you reclaim yourself, you get to live in the bliss and ecstasy that is love and you get to free yourself from unrequited love, because after all, we are all love.
When I truly felt love for GSM without conditions, I felt the whole universe rush into my heart and none of it really mattered anymore.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
"Maybe I need to drop the mask that I am this compassionate, strong woman who can handle anything, when in truth, I am vulnerable, alone and hurt by some of the intimate experiences that I have attracted into my life. "
Recently, I put a call out on a Facebook group about advice for my recently diagnosed uterine fibroids and recommendations for practitioners and healers nearby. Like all good communities, this community was full of sage advice and wisdom, like diet, naturopathy, excellent book resources and overwhelmingly a call NOT to have my uterus removed. But there was one piece of wisdom that has resonated.
She said: “Do healings on the anger and resentment you may be holding onto in your female parts…often if we have any anger or resentment towards males who hurt us in our life we store it in our female parts without even knowing.” Immediately, I disagreed. That it wasn’t right, I love my vagina, my wet yoni lips, my clitoris. I love my womb that held my babies – the three that lived, the three that died. I love the feminine energy that rises from my womb through the central channel in ecstatic orgasm. I’m not an angry person, I am taken to anger through injustice and disrespect, but I’m generally not an angry person.
But during my meditations on this woman’s comments I realised that I AM angry towards men; specifically towards my ex-husband who sexually assaulted me and specifically to the two men who rejected me. But instead of allowing this anger to exist, flow through me and be released, I have turned it inwards and it has become a deep sadness. I never allowed my anger towards that assault and the rejections to exist. I never allowed it to be. I never got angry at the injustice of how I allowed myself to be treated.
Instead, I pushed it down. Ignored my anger and allowed it to wallow in the misery of my subconscious self-belief that I’m not good enough. Instead of anger, my first response is always sadness. My kids call this “me playing the victim”, but it’s more than that, it’s like an emotional exhaustion from fighting for my place in the world. It’s my exhaustion at never figuring out why I’m here and what this whole life experience is about. It’s being emotionally tired from having to be the breadwinner, cook, taxi, housemaid and all the other roles a single parent plays.
Anger is not something to be ashamed of; it is a normal human emotion and reaction to life. But many of us we supress our anger and resentment towards people who are supposed to have loved us, we supress our anger at rejection and the words left unsaid. My past two important connections have been with men who weren’t “ready” or willing to make me an important person in their lives, even though we had incredible connections and everything seemed to just, well, click.
Even though I never admitted it to myself until now, I am angry with them both. I am angry at their lack of courage to step into “us”, I am angry with them both for not seeing me, and I’m angry at them for being so selfish to not be able to see how amazing “us” could be, I’m angry for them for not standing in their own masculinity and I’m angry with myself for falling for men who are and were not willing to see my value.
But ultimately I’m angry at the universe for my existence. It’s like I’ve been delivered here on a ‘choose your own adventure’ and there aren’t any instructions, just lesson after infinite lesson of more and more undoing of the traumas and thoughts that we bring on ourselves…and I’m tired of the lessons. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be sad and hold onto hurts from past lovers who couldn’t see me for the magnificent woman that I am. I don’t want any more lessons.
I’m not quite sure how now to deal with my anger, perhaps just being honest with myself and acknowledging it, it will go away. Maybe I need to go on a retreat and just be a wild woman and let all my primal anger out, for everything. Maybe I need to drop the mask that I am this compassionate, strong woman who can handle anything, when in truth, I am vulnerable, alone and hurt by some of the intimate experiences that I have attracted into my life. I need to drop the mask that I cannot get angry about hurt by people close to me. My own thoughts have created a belief that I need to shield my anger about intimate relationships and by knowing this about myself, I feel empowered.
I am an amazing woman and will make some very lucky man an amazing life partner, someday, or maybe never. But while I am still holding onto this anger, while I am holding resentment that manifests as three large fibroids in my uterus which are literally the three men that I have been angry at, there will be no room for someone just as amazing as me to enter. My body is literally blocking my gateway to my feminine essence that no man can ever get past, no matter how incredible he is or how amazing I am.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
"It’s brought up a deep, primal desire in me to live or die and it’s brought up very clearly how very fleeting life and the human experience is."
There’s something so very fundamental that shifts inside you when you face your own mortality. I’m not talking about the cognitive knowledge that you will die someday, we’ve all thought about that, but the instant reality that this could be it, that your time is finite and you have a choice whether to fight the good fight or let it take you.
I have certainly always hoped for a peaceful, pain-free death surrounded by loved ones, preferably in nature at a nice ripe old age, but a couple of weeks ago, the word tumour entered my consciousness and my reality as a 41-year-old fit and healthy woman came crashing down.
I went to the doctor after experiencing severe period and back pain and heavy bleeding. I never go to the doctor, partly because it’s too expensive, but also because I tend to trust in the ability of the human body to overcome anything. I don’t even take paracetamol for headaches unless I’m really bad. The doctor probed me and took blood and 24 hours later the nurse called with the results. All I heard was “tumour markers” and I went into a shock. I don’t remember the conversation that followed or how I got home or what happened next. I do remember my 11-year-old telling me to concentrate on driving because I had “spaced out.” Google search brought up a variety of things, ovarian cancer being one of them. Since most of my pain was in my ovaries, I expected the worst.
Long story short, the tumour markers were a sign that something was wrong and an internal ultrasound showed three uterine fibroids or non-cancerous tumours; one that is 6cm in diameter and that I can feel when I lie down. I don’t know yet what this means; whether the fibroids are manageable or if I will have to have surgery to remove them, or uterus or both, or whether there are nutritional, energetic or hormonal treatments that I can investigate.
But what I do know and what it has brought up for me is the fragility of the human body as well as its enormous strength for healing; and more so, my own fragility and enormous strength. It’s brought up a deep, primal desire in me to live or die and it’s brought up very clearly how very fleeting life and the human experience is. Interestingly, I’m reading the Bhagavad Gita at the moment and in it, it clearly states how and when we die is a choice that our soul makes in that moment.
There is an enormous sense of empowerment about this. I felt the power within me to choose to live or choose to die. This whole experience has left me emotionally fragile and the smallest things that I can usually deflect with a deep inner strength, now cause me to collapse into a blubbering mess of emotion. I feel so vulnerable, raw and wide open but I know myself well enough to know that everything will be okay.
I know myself well enough to know that all I need to do is focus on the breath.
I know myself well enough to know that I am strong enough to handle anything the Universe throws at me.
But just not today; today I feel broken, emotionally tired and sad. I just want someone to hold me
in their arms and be the strength that I’m lacking and tell me that everything will be okay.
The thing about health issues is that we have very little control over them except in our diet, exercise and mindfulness. But the reality is none of us know when our time may be up, none of us know exactly how we will die or when, none of us know if a routine procedure will go badly, or if when we are under anaesthetic we might decide that life is too hard to return to.
This whole experience has, and is, taking me to a place of surrender; of my life to what will be. I have no control over a surgeon or how a procedure goes, but I do have a choice in how I respond to the events in my life. I cannot do everything on my own, I need support. I don’t have to be an island.
One day, I will die.
I know this.
I have felt this.
And I have changed because of it.
And that is a good thing. Because just when you think you’ve mastered life, the Universe throws you a reminder that there is so much more you need to learn about yourself.
And I still have so much to learn.
Hug someone you love today and tell them how you really feel.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016