"Unlike previous dates he didn’t turn me off with sexual desperation. He had a presence that I felt calm in. It was like he could see me; the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that put up wall after wall to block his expressions of love that he patiently waited for me to take down."
Single? I’m going to give you some advice, you don’t have to take it, but if I had this advice years ago, my life would have been very different.
I’ve pretty much been single most of my adult life. I’m now 42 and I am in the first stable relationship I’ve ever had.
Previously, I’ve mostly been attracted to men who make my heart race. Who I feel an instant bond with and he feels the same. What then happens is; I pour out my heart and he runs for the hills. For whatever reason, I’ve attracted one-sided relationships where I like him much more than he likes me.
The last one, who I have nicknamed GSM (Gorgeous, sexy man), on previous blogs even said that he saw a great future for us together, felt a very strong attraction and said that it was this connection that made him pull away. It has taken two years, but I’m finally coming to some acceptance that despite this amazing connection, perhaps the universe was giving me a gift, perhaps there was someone better suited to me.
So, I joined online dating and went out with a few men. Mostly they wanted casual sex and as fascinating and temporary as that is, I declined, I’m more than a magnificent vagina and wanted to find someone who could see that and wasn’t afraid to meet me where I am.
Then I met KM (Kind man). I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but I was interested. He was interesting, deep and aroused my curiosity in a way that I wanted to know more. Like a good blurb on a book, I wanted to open the book to see what was inside. So we went on a few dates, he spoiled me, brought flowers, opened doors and showed genuine care for me. Unlike previous dates he didn’t turn me off with sexual desperation. He had a presence that I felt calm in. It was like he could see me; the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that put up wall after wall to block his expressions of love that he patiently waited for me to take down.
If someone had said to me years ago to not go for the massive charge of electricity, but go for the one who makes you feel like the most important person in the world I wouldn’t have listened, but sometimes you need to experience these things for yourself. We see the instant chemistry on television and think that that is love, but for me, what the instant chemistry has provided massive and painful soul growth. With KM, I feel myself growing, but it’s not painful. His patience is helping me to open up like a flower in the safe space that he creates.
I find myself in this new space of my heart opening up to the possibilities of what may be.
So my advice for you is this: give that “nice” guy a chance. If he has a great relationship with his mum, his sisters or daughters, you’re probably onto a winner because he knows how a woman deserves to be treated. I met KM who treats me wonderfully when I stopped accepting less than I deserve. We’ve created a relationship that is; loving, kind and generous and every day I am so grateful for what it is. He tells me and shows me in his actions that I deserve the best.
I certainly didn’t expect this, and I certainly didn’t expect the chemistry to grow so quickly as a result of my gratitude for his calm, gentle presence and kindness. He surprises me every day with his love and kindness and his ability to say just the right things at the right time.
I don’t know where this relationship is going, but he is allowing me the space to open my scared and vulnerable heart to open up in my own time. Even if it lasts another month, year, a decade or the rest of my life, I am taking it one day at a time and living in the bliss of the moment without expectations of what it might be.
Date that nice guy, I promise, he will be so worth it and so are you.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
This article also featured on @ElephantJournal
If you are finding that the world is getting you down, you need to check out these top ten tips that I use to maintain my homeostasis when the news of the state of world gets me down.
This blog was published in LifeGrid, please follow the link to see the full article.
My children have taught me many things, but most importantly, they have taught me how to love and be loved.
When I met their father, I was travelling overseas and running away from an unhealthy relationship with a married man. My parents had just separated and I figured I’d go with the flow. Our first beautiful child was born a year later. It was a surreal moment holding this beautiful baby in my arms and being her whole world for survival. There was a moment when I was changing her nappy when I realised that I was it, nobody would be coming to help me change her nappy, or help her to do anything; it would be me. Unfortunately her father wasn’t much help.
But with baby number 1, I made a lot of mistakes, I was really running on survival mode because quite simply, I had no idea what I was doing, no idea how to be a mother or even how to love this beautiful tiny thing. She taught me, with her adorableness and innocence to crack open my heart to being somebody’s somebody. She taught me how to love unconditionally and that I am human, I make mistakes, that my parents were probably just as out of their depth when I arrived and made a lot of mistakes with me, she taught me to forgive my parents, for being human, just as one day I hope that she, as a teenager, forgives me for being human.
Baby number two was such an easy baby and I built in confidence with the logistics of caring for a baby that I had learned from baby number 1. With this freeing up of logistics, I had more time to enjoy her gifts and talents that I didn’t get to enjoy with baby number one. Oh, if I could only go back in time. Maybe all new mothers feel this with their firstborns – completely out of depth and like you’re to somehow know how to do this parenting thing.
Hindsight is such a splendid thing.
Then when baby three arrived, I knew what I was doing, I knew what to expect and loving her was so easy. It’s not that I didn’t or don’t love the others, it is because the first two cracked my heart open so much open that by the time she arrived, I knew how to love, she didn’t have to teach me.
Her sisters had shown me the way to love. I also knew what I was doing.
With each baby, I have learned more and more to love and be loved. They have taught me the greatest lesson of all; that it is safe to love and be loved. Finally, I feel like I’m in a space where I can give and receive love from other people, friends, family, lovers and I have daughters one, two and three to thank for that and of course their father, who allowed me to be a mother in the first place.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
"Changing the world will not come by some massive Revolution, but by a silent revolution, of people creating change in their own minds, their homes, their communities and how they interact with the world. People acting in love, not as a reaction to a fear."
I have noticed that I am increasingly disillusioned by the so-called “leaders” of our amazing blue planet and at times the world feels in chaos. But like being in the eye of a cyclone, the moment we get caught up in all of the drama, we get swept away, we lose control. The ongoing nonsense of the US presidential elections is like some warped reality television show that we’ve all been sucked into. The more we engage with it, the more pumped and narcissistic the candidates appear to be.
When I used to teach swimming I often used the phrase: “If you panic you drown,” and so it is with life, on a small scale and on a global collective scale. More than once I have used this for my children – in tests, driving lessons, life. When we relax in the water, we float and we can breathe with our eyes facing the sky above, giving us time to think, but when we panic, we lose all of our centred-ness and the sea swallows us up and we have no time or breath to gather our thoughts.
With either metaphor the outcome is the same, our thoughts create our reality. Our reactions to events define our lives. The more energy we put into issues, the more we engage with the nonsense, the more we lose our centred-ness, our balance, our stillness, our ability to think and make good decisions.
Interestingly, over the past few months, I have increasingly become a conscious observer of the events of the world. If we view the events of the world as separate from us, we lose our connection with the world and we become apathetic, but if we throw ourselves into them, we feel the pain and suffering of all of those children in Syria, the Orangutans in Asia, the myriad of problems in this world. But if you become a conscious observer, where you both connect and disconnect from the events and send loving thoughts to it, make small changes in your life, rather than letting it swallow you up, it is both empowering and changing the world, one person at a time.
Be the Change, is the much-quoted interpretation of Gandhi’s words is never so true as now. We have the power to change the world, but changing the world doesn’t come about by being a cyber troll, baiting and arguing with people on social media. Changing the world looks like looking within, taking ownership of all of the things that you are and all the things that you do – like the food you eat, how you consume and who you buy from. Changing the world will not come by some massive Revolution, but by a silent revolution, of people creating change in their own minds, their homes, their communities and how they interact with the world. People acting in love, not as a reaction to a fear.
At the moment, there is a collective anger, which is paired with a collective apathy, which is both connecting and disconnecting from the world; but when we step away from it by owning, or taking responsibility for our own anger, hatred, racism, sadness, ignorance, selfishness and closed hearts. The world triggers the stories within ourselves. What we need to do is love ourselves so deeply that triggers no longer cause a reaction. Love the story for what it is. Love the situation for what it is. Love them for what they are and create change within your mind, body and community first.
The energy about at the moment is about coming fully into ourselves, our life’s purpose and your divinity. It’s about shedding the ego, embracing our individual and collective darkness and becoming light. Living what is and loving what is. There is very little any of us can do individually on a global level except to look within and to deeply love ourselves, because when we love ourselves we do no harm to ourselves, our immediate environment and ultimately our own little world that we exist in.
All of the people we see on television and YouTube are external mirrors of who we are, they are showing us the way to love and compassion, they are showing us the way to the world we want by being the exact opposite. Ironically, the chaos is a reaction to the deep hidden universal love we all carry within us.
On a personal level you may have noticed stagnation, repeating things that you thought that you had dealt with and blocks in your abundance, but it’s all perfect. We are shifting energy at the moment and finally coming fully into ourselves. When blocks come up they show you where you are off track and not listening to your intuitive nudges, the place where you know everything is perfect, as you are.
Stepping into our light is where we are now, energetically speaking.
Feel the loneliness/rejection/sadness/anger.
Allow it to rise within you and love it for what it is.
It has kept you safe. It has been a companion.
If you don’t want it anymore, notice when it arises, thank it for being there and let it go.
You are divine, whole and complete. You have everything you need within you to change the world, by changing your reactions and thoughts.
Step into you really are. Things like Instagram have made it so easy to be unashamedly who you are, but we don’t need to announce to the world who we are to BE who we are.
It doesn’t mean you can’t have opinions about our global chaos, just stop pouring energy into them. Maintain your own homeostasis, look within for the solutions to the world’s problems, be within you…and you are light.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016