" I suppose if you think of it like a breath, you inhale, you exhale, but there is a moment between the inhale and exhale that is the in-between, yet it’s not nothingness, it’s a something, but you know that the next inhale or exhale will come. We don’t get in that space in-between worrying about whether we will exhale, it just comes."
I am impatient.
I have an expectation that if I ask for something, it will arrive my struggle comes with the in-between, the moments of anticipation, the waiting, knowing that something amazing is on its way to me.
How this manifests is a pattern that I have had since I was very young. I blame myself. It must be my fault, I mustn’t be good enough, I mustn’t be worthy – all that self talk that I can see and acknowledge, but it’s still there. I can’t seem to move past it so the things and dreams that I want and seem further and further away and then I feel like I failed and start to chase them. I cannot wait. I start getting pushy and demanding that it happen and when it doesn’t those self-doubts begin again. I wallow in self-pity and sadness.
For the past two weeks I have been slipping into a depression because, well, a lot of reasons, but mostly because I’ve been working so much and not creating time for me. My daily yoga practice that I have done since July has been missed for a week, I’ve not been going to the gym, I’m eating poorly and not getting enough sleep and most importantly, I haven’t been connecting with me. This loss of my usual routines that help me keep my balance has made me stop believing in myself and all of the old self-doubts and negative self-talk have popped up again. It then turns into a downward spiral of not meeting my basic needs in food and exercise and mindfulness and I feel worse and it keeps spiralling.
What is impatience? What is patience? And why can’t I just allow things to be? The answer lies somewhere between the answers two wise mentors gave to me today. Author of Awaken and Founder of Cre8, Brett Jones said: “Just let it flow. It is expectations that block. Once you created it then your ego took over and had an expectation it would succeed. Just let it flow, quiet action waiting for the door to open.” And he’s right, those thoughts in my head that are self-doubting are completely ego. I can see the thoughts as a detached witness, but when they are so persistent, so loud and when there is no external evidence that all that I asked for is coming my way, I start to believe those negative thoughts.
I also ran into a beautiful woman, Jeannie, who was the first healer I met when I moved here. Jeannie said to stop thinking about things not happening as I would like as a problem, think about it instead of divine timing. “When you think of it as divine timing, you won’t keep blaming yourself,” she said. And yes, she’s right too. When I think of these things as not dependent upon me DOING anything right or wrong then I surrender the control of it. It then creates the space that I need to just trust that it’s all taken care of, I can stop beating myself up when I'm not seeing results.
I’ve likened it to this analogy: I suppose if you think of it like a breath, you inhale, you exhale, but there is a moment between the inhale and exhale that is the in-between, yet it’s not nothingness, it’s a something, but you know that the next inhale or exhale will come. We don’t get in that space in-between worrying about whether we will exhale, it just comes.
This impatience that I have comes back again to trust – in the universe, in myself, in the people who I am meant to have in my life. I need to trust that in this in-between things are happening that I can’t yet see, but if I get caught up in waiting, of holding my breath, no flow can exist. We don’t seek evidence that the next breath will come, so why do I need external evidence that the things I asked for will come?
I love how when you open yourself to the wisdom of the universe, you get the answers you need. I followed two impulses today, one, to contact someone and two, to go out to the world. The people in our lives are no accident and everyone we meet has a message for us.
I’m sure you’ve had all those moments when you are on the path the universe gives you signs, money, contacts and it all just flows. It feels amazing and then you start THINKING about it and then they all disappear like a popped bubble.
Twelve months ago I did a course with Leyolah Antara at Kundalini Dance (I write about it a lot because it was so profound for me) and the following mantra came to me as a part of that course: Trust in flow; flow in trust and it really sums up one of my greatest lessons and that is to trust in the flow of life, to allow that moment in-between to be uncomfortable and to learn to love it for what it is, to be patient for the aspects of my life that I feel like I’m waiting for.
Today, I will let go of waiting and wishing and hoping and let my exhale to BE and trust that the inhale will come in its own time. Patience is embracing the in-between, I understand now.
And next week I’ll get my mantra tattooed so I don’t forget it again!!
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
I have always struggled with money. It’s been a rollercoaster of having abundance and then having nothing and I can’t quite figure out how to find the middle ground. I walked through the shopping centre today and observed people rushing, stressed, busy, not counting the moments and spending their money like there is no tomorrow. I can’t help but wonder at the absurdity of it all.
My children didn’t have fancy prams, or car seats or clothes – we always got second-hand, they still don’t have the latest in technology and all four of us share this one computer. Yet, I can’t remember the amount of times they’ve come home upset because someone criticised them for their holes in their clothes or daggy shoes or lack of branding and not having the latest gadgety-thingamajig.
But you know what I’ve realised?
We have always had our needs met. Always. We have always had a safe place to live, we have always had food – even if it’s pasta, or baked beans or toast, we have always had clothes to wear and beds to sleep in. I have always had everything that I ever need and always had.
As a child, we got chocolate once a week, on a Friday and if we were lucky we would have received six pieces. For whatever reason, it was a treat we looked forward to and I know that I complained about wanting more. Instead of complaining about only getting six pieces of chocolate, I could have just been grateful for what was. It was about perception. It’s about gratitude for what is. I’ve read articles that call this poverty consciousness, about not having enough. But it’s about gratitude. Heartfelt gratitude is everything. It’s about counting your blessings, not looking for the gaps. Get out of the way of the manifestation process and be grateful.
I have a clean environment to live in with fresh air that I inhale deeply at every available opportunity, especially near trees. I don’t live in a war zone or am running from persecution – although with two teenagers in the house sometimes I wonder!!
I have so much to be grateful for. Since when has life been about wanting more? Since when did we decide as a society that if you had a mass of possessions you became “it”? Since when did wealth divide us? Since when did we become the “haves” and “have nots” based on wealth, not on kindness, an open heart and generosity?
In my teaching career, I often teach the five basic needs for a human to survive: air, water, food, shelter and love.
Seriously, that’s all we need to survive. In January 2011, I packed up my house and my kids and squished us into a 1994 four-wheel-drive and a 1978 camper (that was our shelter) and started an adventure around Australia, we had very little luxuries beyond what was necessary and that period would have to be the best time of my life. We were unburdened by “stuff” and we had each other and the open road.
Now we are in a house again and I can see us gathering things again, like dust, accumulating possessions not presence and I want to strip back the layers of stuff. Especially in this Christmas period when accumulation of stuff is at an all-time-high I wonder why?
But at what point did our lives become about bigger and better houses, cars, gadgets, money, things and then competing with our neighbours to have and be the best?
You have $10 million, what will you do?
I have asked the students to spend $10 million as a maths activity with a number of classes and the answer is always the same:
And apart from the girl with the large breasts who wanted to make them even bigger, everyone wanted the same things:
For me, life is about two things: happiness and connection and for both, I’ve been caught in a wanting cycle of wanting better, of wanting more and in a state of seeking rather than being grateful for what is.
My car barely makes it up the hill to my house, the internal components are literally falling off and in all honesty, I’m grateful that it still runs. I don’t NEED a new car, it would be nice, but I don’t need one. It’s been a conscious shift away from wanting to needing and being grateful for what is. It really is a change in my perception.
Discerning the difference between a need and a want is a really valuable exercise but so is practicing gratitude for what is.
In our home, we may not have the greatest quality or quantity of possessions, but we have everything we need for life. Of course it would be nice to have nicer things but I really don’t need them. I have everything I ever need, always have, always will.
Relationship studies have shown that the more you appreciate your partner, the more they want to give; if you criticise, they shut down. So it is with the universe. Stop criticising and complaining about not having enough and start appreciating everything. Start with little things, be thankful that we have an amazing planet to live on, that the air we breathe is clean and that we have each other, because that is what is.
Merry Christmas to you all,
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
When I was about 13, I remember going to a Christmas or New Year’s barbecue and bonfire night at one of my parents’ friend’s house. I don’t remember anything about that night, except one thing that one of my Dad’s mates said to me. He said, “You’re so pretty, you should do modelling.” I can still remember the feeling of recoiling at firstly being noticed, but secondly being noticed by a man who was probably the same age that I am now. I’m sure he meant it as a compliment but when I look back on then, it was probably the first time that I was consciously aware that I wasn’t just invisibly drifting through life, observing, be-ing, following the drift of my family, but the first time that I was seen as more than just a little girl; of being a developing woman.
For whatever reason that moment made me afraid of getting attention from men. Then sometime about the same time my brother and I were chatting in his room and he had this poster of Colette on the wall (of “Ring My Bell”) fame and he said to me, “You would look like Colette if your hair was blonder, you were taller and if you were skinnier…” or that’s how I heard it. I think he was trying to compliment me, but I heard it as criticism. At 15 I worked at the rural show and my job was to wear skimpy clothes and bend over to pick up the coins off the ground, I think the guy did actually ask me to take my bra off! Me being naïve didn’t think much of any of this and I wore short shorts, a busty top and bent over to pick up the coins. Forty dollars well made, but it wasn’t until after that I realised what had happened.
Why do these three events come time to mind now? I imagine many of you readers would have experienced sexual abuse and worse and I cannot imagine how you can relate to my little incidents and in no way to I want to minimise your trauma. However my primary point is that we probably do share is a fear of men, a fear of the masculine, or possibly a fear of being seen, regardless of the details (FYI – I have experienced sexual assault, but that’s for another blog). For me that presented as shutting down my growing femininity and sexuality in adolescence, exactly when we are developing our sexual selves. I stopped allowing my beauty to blossom because of the attention that I got, I just didn’t know how to handle it.
I do now.
Today, I was walking down the main street and I felt beautiful, I felt free, I stopped and took photos of flowers and bark on the trees, I pulled out my notebook and wrote while walking and during this time, I received a number of cat-calls and second-looks from drivers on the road. At first I let my ego take their “compliments” about my physical appearance and then I let that go and realised that I have infinite power as a woman. I realised that the power of the feminine form; of feminine sexuality and it took me back to my adolescence, to that night, to my brother, to the show, to all the reasons that I remember that I shut down my divine sensuality, my beauty.
I allowed fear to shut my feminine, sensual self down, but I realised that there is nothing to be scared of because I have the power to say no or to walk away. I can choose my reactions to events. My power of the feminine is not built in the ego or the head, but in a deeper space – the womb space, the hara (and even if you no longer have a womb the energy is still in that space). It is in the womb space, the hara which resides your soul. It is a power that DOESN'T say f**k you to all men, it is a power that doesn’t elevate itself higher than men or destroying men or putting them down, it is not an ego arrogance, but a deep, love and respect for the self; for the I AM that resides within all of us, the vehicle that moves this body.
It is a power that hears what you are saying and I acknowledges your voice when you compliment my body, but the reality is, this power within me doesn’t care what you think and doesn’t affect my sense of self, my autonomy or my sovereignty of my gorgeous, powerful light that resides within me and all of us. My true power, my authenticity in being a woman lies in my invitation to men, to all people, to see into my heart, to allow myself to be vulnerable and to trust in the moments that life brings to me.
I am a Goddess, I am sovereign, I am powerful, I am light.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
Hey all, just a quickie to say that my Chakra Cards and Guided Journals are available from my online store. Please go to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/56358725/chakra-cards-and-guided-journal to help me get it off the ground. There's only 10 days left.
The products will be amazing for counsellors, groups and individuals for self-growth and as conversation starters that engage deep connection. Otherwise you can go straight to the store and order. The red chakra are ready now, keep an eye out for the others in the coming weeks and months. If you help fund them, you'll get copies as a part of your donation! Yay!