"The ONLY purpose is being alive, is to be alive. There is nothing more. We do not need to seek specialness, we are no better or worse than others. Spiritual teachers are only people who have found a channel of truth that works for them at that moment in time. They are not the panacea for the answers. The answers that we seek are within us. Within our ordinary moments of life. Of seeing life for what it is."
Maybe I’m just ordinary. I’m not destined for any great achievement. I’m not going to change the world just by being in it and I’m not going to be remembered long after I’m gone.
Maybe I’m just another of the seven billion souls inhabiting this planet just doing their very best to be who they are, without any expectations of being more than what I am.
Maybe I’m just a mother. Maybe I’m just a teacher. And maybe I’m just poor and destined to struggle my way through life; I’m not the only one. Maybe I’m just ordinary. Maybe I’m just like everyone else.
When I was younger I had low self-esteem, at 58kg, I thought that I was fat and so hid myself from everyone. I wore baggy clothes. I hid from the world. I strived for invisibility. Then, I discovered Louise L. Hay who taught me that there was so much more to me, to everyone, her words and affirmations lifted me up, built my confidence, made me believe that I could do anything, that I could be anyone, have success if I just changed my thinking.
But what if she was wrong? What if the whole “new age” movement is really just another way to make money, to sell products, to sell ideas, to make people feel like shit and so that they need something to pick themselves up? What if it’s all just bullshit? These expectations that we place on ourselves are nothing more than setting ourselves up to feel like we are missing something.
Expectations create a false reality. They are like a “glamour” that we use to feel good about ourselves when in reality, we feel like shit, but we feel like we have to appear like we are having an easy time. Because if we admit that we feel like crap, there must be something wrong with us, but there's not. We are who we are.
Throughout my life, I have struggled financially to feed myself, my family and I have thought that my teaching career was just a stepping stone to something more magnificent. But what if this is it? What if this is my lot in life to just exist from week to week while I raise my girls in a job that brings me happiness and satisfaction as much as it brings me frustration and annoyance?
Maybe I’m not destined for anything more than to be here, now, living this existence.
I’ve had some amazing moments in my life where I’ve believed all these amazing spiritual things, but what if they too are bullshit? Just like yoga has become to me. What if instead of bringing me joy, the spirituality movement has turned into a search for deeper meaning, for purpose and for seeking something which simply doesn’t exist? What if nirvana is just a load of spiritual B.S. designed to make us think that we are on this “journey” to enlightenment, yet in our seeking we forget that in-fact we are just ordinary beings living life; for the only purpose of living life?
I am so sick of spiritual teachers (myself included in previous posts) telling people to “find their purpose”. There is no such thing! It’s another hook that drags us in, making us feel like we are somehow inadequate and special for having not found that thing we have supposedly been birthed for?
What BULLSHIT! The ONLY purpose is being alive, is to be alive. There is nothing more. We do not need to seek specialness, we are no better or worse than others. Spiritual teachers are only people who have found a channel of truth that works for them at that moment in time. They are not the panacea for the answers. The answers that we seek are within us. Within our ordinary moments of life. Of seeing life for what it is.
Maybe I’m just ordinary. Maybe all I’m meant to be is a teacher. Maybe all I’m meant to be is a mother. Maybe I’m just ordinary and will never be anything more than a struggling single mum.
Well, that’s okay. Because all I need to know is that right here, right now, I can feel my breath in my lungs, I can hear the birds settling in for the night, I know that my children are all safe and well and I know that I live in a country that is free from war. And if that is ordinary; being grateful for the here and now, well, I’d choose ordinary over “special” in this moment and every moment to come.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2017
I wrote this two weeks before my 40th birthday and I wanted to reflect on the lessons learned in 40 years. I wish I could tell my 15 year old self this stuff, but that wouldn’t be life then would it!
No 1: Love freely and without attachment. Attachment to people, ideas and outcomes only lead to heartache. Just love.
No 2: Affirmations really work! You might not believe it for a long, long time, but one day you’ll wake up and your thoughts have changed. Go those affirmations.
No 3: That for every girl who ignored or who was mean to me in school, I want to thank you for showing me:
a. The person who I never wanted to be and,
b. How fckn awesome I was then and I just didn’t know it.
I was called a goody two shoes – that’s not a bad thing because I have one and a half degrees and am starting an advanced diploma next week and one day soon I’ll publish my novels. Being smart and attentive in school trumps popularity ANYDAY!
No 4: Even though you may think you’ll never get your heels down in downward dog and master the handstand, it’s never too late! The body is THE most amazing vehicle to travel through life in and I’m more healthy, flexi and strong than I’ve ever been!
No. 5: That our sexuality is nothing resembling what we think we know from television/movies/books…it is something so much more deep and profound and starts with our deep intimacy with ourselves.
No 6: Deep heart-felt gratitude is the key to attracting the exact life that you desire. The tricks the mind plays on you are fleeting and temporary and are ultimately an illusion.
No 7: I love spending time with my kids more than anything else in the entire world. Treasured memories. Love truly is everything it’s cracked up to be.
No 8: The earlier that you let go of the crap from your past lives, childhood and the past, the happier and easier life gets.
No 9: Opening your heart to love in a relationship is a bloody hard thing to do when you’ve been hurt, but life’s too short not to give it a go.
No 10: There is no right time to follow your dreams, passions or hopes. Now is the right time because now is all that there is.
No 11: Once you get a taste of nirvana/enlightenment/connection to the divine/instant manifestation – you spend your life returning to find that feeling so you are constantly in that state. It is the ultimate perfect wave…ever elusive, yet just on the horizon!
No 11a: The closer you allow yourself to be guided by the universe, the more synchronistic it becomes.
No 12: Love is all there is – everything else is ego and bullshit.
No. 13: The universe takes care of all the details, but you still need to be pragmatic…chop wood, carry water, enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
No 14: Take chances in your life, try new foods, get out and meet people, talk to that guy at the gym. If we have no courage to take chances in our lives then we are just going through the motions. Courage makes us feel alive!
No 15: Turning 40 is not the end of your life or mean that you’re old and infirm. 40 is an opportunity to reset your life and redirect. It is like a rebirth and a wonderful opportunity to really start living the life you want and deserve!
©Text and images copyright Alyssa Curtayne 2014