In the movie Chocolat, the protagonist Vianne is moved from town to town by the call of the wind...I am her...Some part of me wants permanence and stability but when I get it, I get BORED ...I get restless.
Some people are addicted to drugs, food, alcohol, sex or increasingly social media. The addiction brings about connection and a feeling of being alive when the dullness of life makes us feel numb. Humans want to feel and when we can’t feel we seek out stimulation to make us feel alive again. But I can’t claim any addiction to the above, but I do seek out variety, you could say I have an addiction of sorts to it.
To me I am constantly thinking about where to next? New house? New car? New suburb? New city? New adventure? New friends? New relationship? This need for variety even extends to my daily routines such as a new route in a bushwalk or different route to work…I get bored easily.
New, new, new…
What drives this constant driving for newness, for variety and why do I seek the feeling of being alive in newness. Has the variety been about running away; from my family, men, from being “normal”, of the familiar? Or is it simply how I am?
In 2015, I went to the Ignite Leadership Seminar led by the charismatic Brett Jones. He highlighted things that a person needs but it was divided into the Ego needs and Leader needs:
Certainty – control
Contribution – how may I serve?
He went onto say that each one of us is driven by one of these needs, particularly in the ego list. What do you need? Look through the list yourself. What drives your life? Are you coming from a place of leadership or ego?
I was surprised to find that in the ego section, that it wasn’t connection that I craved, but variety.
In the movie Chocolat, the protagonist Vianne is moved from town to town by the call of the wind until she finally finds a place to put her roots down. I am her; the woman who goes with the wind. Some part of me wants permanence and stability but when I get it, I get BORED and I think about how many other places and people there are to meet. Some people find comfort in routine, but I get restless.
Having teenage daughters have forced me to give them stability because it’s what they need at this time – a stable home, a stable mum, but always within me I’m seeking the next adventure, the next home, the next moment, do I run away from things that are too hard? Or do I seek variety? Or should I just sit in my boredom and observe what is?
According to Brett, it’s my ego, trying to validate itself yet I would argue (or is that my ego arguing?) that I feel like life is so short, that I need to make the most of it and have the full range of the human experience. The human experience can be ecstatic, so incredible and transformational but it also can feel heavy, dull, repetitive and without challenge. I’m not planning to come back for another life here after this is done.
I was speaking to a girlfriend yesterday and she observed that I was again looking to move house (only after a couple of months) and noticed that I’m always seeking outwards and not drawing in. I am not seeking the stillness within or loving and trusting where I am, right now. And she’s right, I need to trust that this is where I am and that everything is perfect. In variety, I get outwards movement, yet nothing within me changes.
Life is not about what we achieve, but how we grow as beings of love. I can’t say that I’m totally cured of my need for variety, but I am aware of it when it comes up now and need to make sure my decision making is not a result of a desire to run, but of a deep desire for growth within me. And maybe, just maybe, my next stage of growth will come as a result of putting down my roots and doing the opposite of what my ego tells me to do.
What drives you? Are you willing to do the deep reflection to find out? For more information about Brett's work and Ignite Leadership seminars click here.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
"Unlike previous dates he didn’t turn me off with sexual desperation. He had a presence that I felt calm in. It was like he could see me; the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that put up wall after wall to block his expressions of love that he patiently waited for me to take down."
Single? I’m going to give you some advice, you don’t have to take it, but if I had this advice years ago, my life would have been very different.
I’ve pretty much been single most of my adult life. I’m now 42 and I am in the first stable relationship I’ve ever had.
Previously, I’ve mostly been attracted to men who make my heart race. Who I feel an instant bond with and he feels the same. What then happens is; I pour out my heart and he runs for the hills. For whatever reason, I’ve attracted one-sided relationships where I like him much more than he likes me.
The last one, who I have nicknamed GSM (Gorgeous, sexy man), on previous blogs even said that he saw a great future for us together, felt a very strong attraction and said that it was this connection that made him pull away. It has taken two years, but I’m finally coming to some acceptance that despite this amazing connection, perhaps the universe was giving me a gift, perhaps there was someone better suited to me.
So, I joined online dating and went out with a few men. Mostly they wanted casual sex and as fascinating and temporary as that is, I declined, I’m more than a magnificent vagina and wanted to find someone who could see that and wasn’t afraid to meet me where I am.
Then I met KM (Kind man). I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but I was interested. He was interesting, deep and aroused my curiosity in a way that I wanted to know more. Like a good blurb on a book, I wanted to open the book to see what was inside. So we went on a few dates, he spoiled me, brought flowers, opened doors and showed genuine care for me. Unlike previous dates he didn’t turn me off with sexual desperation. He had a presence that I felt calm in. It was like he could see me; the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that put up wall after wall to block his expressions of love that he patiently waited for me to take down.
If someone had said to me years ago to not go for the massive charge of electricity, but go for the one who makes you feel like the most important person in the world I wouldn’t have listened, but sometimes you need to experience these things for yourself. We see the instant chemistry on television and think that that is love, but for me, what the instant chemistry has provided massive and painful soul growth. With KM, I feel myself growing, but it’s not painful. His patience is helping me to open up like a flower in the safe space that he creates.
I find myself in this new space of my heart opening up to the possibilities of what may be.
So my advice for you is this: give that “nice” guy a chance. If he has a great relationship with his mum, his sisters or daughters, you’re probably onto a winner because he knows how a woman deserves to be treated. I met KM who treats me wonderfully when I stopped accepting less than I deserve. We’ve created a relationship that is; loving, kind and generous and every day I am so grateful for what it is. He tells me and shows me in his actions that I deserve the best.
I certainly didn’t expect this, and I certainly didn’t expect the chemistry to grow so quickly as a result of my gratitude for his calm, gentle presence and kindness. He surprises me every day with his love and kindness and his ability to say just the right things at the right time.
I don’t know where this relationship is going, but he is allowing me the space to open my scared and vulnerable heart to open up in my own time. Even if it lasts another month, year, a decade or the rest of my life, I am taking it one day at a time and living in the bliss of the moment without expectations of what it might be.
Date that nice guy, I promise, he will be so worth it and so are you.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
This article also featured on @ElephantJournal
Our souls are deep, throbbing entities that exist within and around us and more importantly around other people. When we connect sexually with another our energies merge with theirs and if we are sleeping with a lot of people, are we aware of where our energies are going?
We all love it.
We all want it.
But we don’t talk about it in a way that values its sacredness enough.
I have had a few one-night stands. They are not for me. I don’t think it’s worth the short term pleasure in the long-term, but that’s just me. I wish I could be one of those people who can do one-night-stands or short-term flings, but the emotional cost is too much. I give my heart fully to every moment and every person and when that isn’t reciprocated I destroy myself with mental angst.
Deep connection is what I want. Not just random sex with a stranger; deep intimacy and letting down all those barriers that we put up to hide ourselves from others. I have friends who do find deep intimacy with short-term partners and I’m happy for them, they go with the flow, are happy with being in the moment, but when I connect with someone, it’s not just for the night. I’m a deep thinker and a deep lover, I want depth. I deserve depth.
Not only that, I wish to fully honour my man who is being vulnerable enough to share with me. I want to honour the man that he is and make him feel like a God. So often we forget that fear of being vulnerable happens to both men and women and it takes enormous courage to strip back those layers and be vulnerable. I want to honour that courage. I want to honour that in a man who would be vulnerable to be loved, caressed and connect deeply, wow, I look forward to that moment!
Somehow I think that like in every area of my life, I expect others to see the world the way that I do and that for me one-night stands are sort of like junk food in a diet. You enjoy it occasionally, but it doesn’t make up the bulk of your daily needs. It’s about moderation. I have had an abundance of (particularly) younger men proposition me, but I just can’t do it. I barely know their name, let alone want them to see me naked. If I’m going to get naked with someone, I want it to be meaningful.
I wish I could do friends-with-benefits, but I can’t. I can’t just switch off my heart and pretend that the time we share in intimacy means nothing. I can’t pretend that I’m just a sexual being as separate to a heart-centred woman. I am a beautiful, sensual woman who loves sex, just like you. And fuck, I deserve an amazing lover who will be a friend as well.
For me, sex is a sacred connection between two people and it seems like our culture has cheapened it with meaningless encounters with strangers. With all the work that I’ve done on sacred sexuality with Leyolah at Kundalini Dance _in the past 12 months, it brings back into my focus that every interaction we have is a soul interaction. And the energy that we generate during sex can be transcendental for both people, so to release all that energy in a meaningless encounter seems like a waste of that build up.
We are souls connecting, and souls are not superficial, they are deep. Our souls are deep, throbbing entities that exist within and around us and more importantly around other people. When we connect sexually with another our energies merge with theirs and if we are sleeping with a lot of people, are we aware of where our energies are going?
I, for one, want my energy connecting deeply in every interaction with others, but sexually, I want to connect with just one. I want all of my energy connecting in that space with one other soul and to experience that spiritual bliss that accompanies the sexual experience. I guess that because my focus has always been my spiritual growth, why would my sexuality be any different?
We are spiritual beings having a physical experience and sexuality is the perfect union of the physical and spiritual aspects of ourselves, so why would we make it less of what it could be without the spiritual aspect? I am learning to love what is.
I am a delicious, sexy, juicy woman and I love sex. It makes me feel alive, pulsing with life force energy and until my friend, adventure buddy, companion and lover finds me, I’ll have to continue to enjoy the bliss and pleasure that I can create with my own body and the Universe because sex without connection, that’s just not for me.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
In the days around my 40th birthday, I met the most amazing man and the impact of the connection was so incredible for both of us that, in all honesty, it shook us for a number of months. Naturally, I wanted more of this personal growth and more of him. I was addicted to him, he was delicious in every way and our compatibility was intense in every area of our lives. But at the end of the day, he was still grieving the ending of his marriage and for me, no matter how amazing he was, I had to let him go. In the ensuing days, weeks and months, I learned to love him and let go again and again, but also that when a man says “he’s not ready,” it probably means that you aren’t ready too.
“Of course I’m ready!” I hear you protest, “I’ve been ready my whole life!”. Of course. You are right. You have been ready for a relationship for your life, but are you ready for what it is you deeply want and have asked for over and over again: the conscious co-created partnership with Divine love at the core? Is he?
For many women, our spirituality forms the basis of who we are and many women are not willing to settle for the traditional or “normal” relationship, we desire a spiritually-based one that can take both parties to the bliss of ecstasy. For that, no, you are probably not ready, there is a lot of inner work that needs to be done. It involves a number of things:
Ultimately, our search for love is one of self-love; that is when we truly, deeply love ourselves as a divine spark of the Universe. So the reality is, your longing and waiting is a reflection of the divine waiting and longing for you to connect with Source. You need yourself to move into a space of “I love myself enough to let you go,” with the other person. Like one of my meditation teachers, Kat, always used to say “Fake it until you make it.” Use this affirmation every time you think of the other person.
If it’s a spiritual based relationship that you are after, you really need to do the spiritual work required to get it and that means letting go of the past, the ego and being fully and mindfully in the present and being in divine love and joy in each and every moment. Then, that’s when the magic happens. The universe is taking care of all the details. All you need to do is to be open and receptive to receiving the abundance of love that you asked for. And it happens, just like that. Your only job is to be open and receptive to receiving your dreams: your only job.
Please let me know how you go with these tips. I’m happy to answer questions.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2014-15