Teacher, blogger and creator of the Chakra Cards, this website has something for everyone to feel amazing.
I've been allowing this deep, subconscious thought to control me. I am the one who gave it power. So what if I was rejected.
I am going through a transition.
Covid-19 may have been an instigator for me to finally look at this, but this is something which started in 2016 - before my existential crisis, before my neck injury, before the shattering of my ego into tiny pieces.
I am in a new place.
It feels empty and yet full of potential.
It feels safe, and yet full of challenges ahead.
It feels like I am a warrior who needs to stop playing games and put on my war paint and step into my truth, no matter how afraid I may be of what is coming.
And for me, the thing that is coming is rejection. And yet, my whole life has been built on the false premise that I am rejected, that I'm no good and that nobody likes me.
I've already been living in this truth and this truth, that I'm rejected and nobody likes me, is false. I've been allowing this deep, subconscious thought to control me. I am the one who gave it power. So what if I was rejected. So what if nobody likes me. I need to like me. I need to be proud of who I am.
Ironically, I've made these amazing self-help tools to help people to open up to their full potential - the Chakra Cards, online courses and the Mental Health Toolkit, but I myself have not put these things out in the world because of my shame of being who I am, of looking how I do, of dressing how I dress, out of fear of being rejected. I have not given these things permission to shine - despite the many people they can help - because of MY incorrect notion that I'm unliked no matter what I do.
It doesn't matter whether I am unliked or not. The question is, now that I know this, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to continue in fear of rejection? Why would I be scared of it? It's my go-to space. It's the feeling that I'm most familiar with. That deep self-loathing that comes with feeling like you don't belong anywhere. I've carried that shit with me my ENTIRE life. Not one part of my childhood, adolescence or adulthood I have felt like I belong. And who did that? Not other people. I did.
I created a world in-which I kept self-fulfilling my rejection by placing myself in situations where I could prove myself unworthy. And even today, I self-sabotage any new connections in the false belief that they will reject me, bitch about me behind the netball sheds or troll me online. Yes, people do that. People are nasty, but that's not MY shit, it's theirs.
I am sovereign.
I am powerful.
And I don't care if you like me or not.
I will not be beholden to the opinions of others.
I will dress how I want to.
I will do my hair how I want to.
I will say what I want, how I want and from a place of empowerment and love because that is the world I want to create - where people can be WHO THEY ARE without fear of ridicule or rejection.
I will observe your judgement of me and reflect your SHIT back at you, because I am not carrying other people's insecurities anymore.
You can carry your own.
© Alyssa Curtayne 2020
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