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"So in having attachments to a physical man, I lose any connection that I have with the divine masculine because I (incorrectly) feel that this man is the vessel that holds the divine masculine that matches my divine feminine. What a great expectation to place upon a man!! "
I have always sought out divine union (see video above). I just didn’t realise it until today. I have looked for a partner who embodies the qualities in a man that best matches mine, but more importantly, I sought connection with the masculine outside myself in the form of the men that came into my life.
In the men that I have attracted into my in my life, I could see the divine masculine, I could see their divinity, and my divine feminine craves connection with that. So much so that I am unconsciously willing to destroy the friendships with these men in order to get this union. What this has presented to these beautiful men is desperation, not necessarily to them as individuals, but to the divine masculine within them. I want to connect, I crave connection. It feels like I’m incomplete without the connection. Maybe that’s where the old story of the “other half” originated??
I have had some amazing experiences with the divine feminine, particularly through the online courses that I’ve done with Leyolah Antara of Kundalini Dance (I highly recommend this course for men and women to get in touch with the inner feminine, it's life-changing). My experience of the divine feminine is that you come into a centred space and connect with your roots and allow your roots to go deep into the earth. Then in calling up the energy from the earth, the earth mother, Gaia or the divine feminine, it enters through our root chakra and works its way upwards through the chakras. It is an inexplicable experience, an orgasm of a monumental kind that encompasses the whole body, the whole energy field, it is ecstatic. It is timeless, it is whole body orgasmic.
This morning I realised that by constantly seeking outside of myself I will never find the divine masculine, because the divine masculine exists within me. I think my fear of God started quite young, I’m not sure when, probably in those playground conversations that kids share their beliefs that they bring from home; innocent misinterpretations of Hell, the Devil and sin that serve to create fear. Well, it worked, I feared God. I didn’t want anything to do with God until all my friends were Christians and regularly attending church and I felt left out so I wanted to join them. Luckily my parents and the pastor said it would be best if I waited. Thank God they did! I would have been a very lax Christian and have fundamental problems with the institution of the church.
But enough about that.
Now have to learn to love the masculine and learned to be loved by it, not in an objectification of men, but in loving their inner God (and goddess) and more importantly MY inner God. I need to find a connection with the masculine within me, one that guides me, that balances out my very strong and empowered feminine. I, like many women, have become so strong in our femininity that we have not allowed room for the masculine to enter. My few experiences with the coming of the masculine into me is through the crown chakra. It came through and intertwined with my rising feminine and they connected in this electric, ecstatic orgasm. I truly have no other words for it, it was incredible. But by attaching my receptivity of the masculine into a physical man, I have blocked the divine masculine from entering. I have allowed attachment to block one of my most important connections, to myself.
Let me explain better. My major connections with men have started out very relaxed, fun, organic and balanced and then I start having expectations of where it should be going, having a label to put onto our “relationship” and I start to corrupt it. I start attaching a (flawed) belief that this person is the one for me because of our connection (and in all honesty, they could all be perfect for me). This leads them to (naturally) pull away and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. The answer to that question is quite simply, nothing. I am an amazing, loving and compassionate woman who happens to have a tendency to attach expectations to the men in my life. So in having attachments to a physical man, I lose any connection that I have with the divine masculine because I (incorrectly) feel that this man is the vessel that holds the divine masculine that matches my divine feminine. What a great expectation to place upon a man!! How much pressure am I putting on him when I place all the weight of divine masculinity on him, on a person outside my own being, no wonder they run!
Instead, I need to change; I need to change my thoughts and my habits. Nothing in my world will change if I don’t first change from within. I need to learn to love the masculine energy, but more so, rather than just connecting to the divine feminine (as explained above) I need to also connect with the masculine within me and bring the two together in perfect balance and union. Then I will be vibrating in a place where rather than having someone to fill my need for the masculine, I can turn within to find that and flow with whoever comes into my life. I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. It was important for me to first find the feminine because of my gender, but one without the other is an incomplete picture.
I’m sure many of you will not understand this as I’ve not seen any work about this issue online and like all things I experience things and then read about them. Instead I’ve given you my experience of the divine masculine, divine feminine and divine union. I hope that you get what you need and it has helped you to release attachment and connect to the divine feminine and masculine within you and help you to find the divine spark of loving union that is in all of us.
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2016
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