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I have the strongest urge to type out my journals, so I am. I'm not sure that I'll share them, but it's very therapeutic. I couldn't recommend having a journal more highly. I’ve kept a journal since I was 19 and I’ve got to admit, it’s mostly filled with my angst and drama around relationships. Which I guess means that for me, learning through relationships is my modus operandi! I started it in January 1994 and it was what I called at the time a “Book of Thoughts”. But by the time I got to the end of the first book it had morphed into a journal. At the time I was having an affair with a married man and the guilt of that betrayal that I was complicit in nearly destroyed me. Having a safe space to jot down my thoughts, cry and process it really helped. I’m not in any way condoning what I did and can only take responsibility for my role in it but it really was a significant event in my life. As discussed last week, that relationship set out all my expectations for all future relationships – emotionally unavailable men who are fucking amazing at pleasuring me in bed but cannot commit to me for anything more than sex. I’m sick of that pattern. I deserve more. The pattern stops now.
It’s hard to believe that I’m that same person I was at 19, it feels like such a lifetime ago. If I could go back and change the situation would I? I don’t know. Perhaps it was meant to be because I had some of the biggest self-worth lessons of my life in it. I definitely wouldn’t betray a soul sister like that again. Yet, here I am completely infatuated with an emotionally unavailable man who is fantastic in bed! He’s not married, but emotionally unavailable, he is most definitely. So I wonder, if everyone we meet is a mirror of us then, that means that I AM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE! WTF? It also means that I’m amazing at pleasuring myself in bed! Which I am!
How am I showing up as being emotionally unavailable and more importantly, why? I have so much love to give my life partner, he will be one lucky bastard when he finds me and I give him the key to this heart. When I am into someone, I put my whole heart into loving, maybe that’s the problem, I don’t maintain my centre, my stillness, myself. I put myself into them, not into the relationship. I suppose also I am a very shy, private person, which I guess is why I find writing about my feelings easy and have no problem – yet if I were to speak about myself, I wouldn’t find it so easy. Speaking makes me feel vulnerable and open for rejection, I also have to navigate things like body language and eye contact. Is that being emotionally unavailable?
If I reflect back on men who wanted me but I just wasn’t feeling it, I put up barriers very early and never really gave them a chance to know me. Yet, with men I’m really attracted to I just puke it all up there! Just after I first slept with my first lover I had my first past-life recollection. It was so clear. In the past life, I was incredibly in-love with this man and he was leaving me and I felt an awful sense of loss. I was wearing a torn Victorian-style off the shoulder blue/purple dress. I had beautiful dark hair, eyes and skin. I was beautiful. He was at least a head taller than me and I was tall too. He was leaving to go into battle. I knew it wasn’t in Australia, it was a Spanish battle in America. I was Spanish and he was English or American. I remember a fort and once I said goodbye, I never saw him again. I know that this man in my memory was my first lover in this life.
No wonder I have emotional unavailability – somewhere within me, I’m terrified of being hurt, of feeling that agonising loss of separation from someone you love.
I’ve had a number of past-life memories and what defines them as different from dreams is that you are in a different body, you smell and you taste and hear things as if you are really there. It happened spontaneously for me a number of times before I discovered in books that it was a past-life. When I need to understand why I behave in the way I do, the past life usually pops up as a reminder. There are a number of techniques for remembering past lives, but a few good ones that I’ve learned are:
1. Go into a darkened room and gaze at yourself in a mirror with only a candle for light. As you gaze at yourself your face morphs into another. I haven’t tried this, but I know that it works from others.
2. Work yourself into a meditative state. Imagine that you are going down a set of stairs and at the bottom of the stairs there is a door, open the door and be introduced to your past self/selves.
3. Ask before going to sleep to have a past life memory come to you just before you wake and also ask that you are able to remember it clearly.
4. Go see a Hypnotist and work with them on remembering which life is relevant to your barrier now.
There are heaps of other techniques, books and websites on the topic. Find one that works for you if you are interested or post on Alyssa Curtayne - author.
However, I digress, as I always do. While in a past life I may have vowed never to love again so I don’t feel that level of emotional pain again, that would explain why I put up barriers in the form of some sort of desperation, stopping things before they start and trying to maintain some control about my feelings when they arise and to some extent some obsessing over men which is evident in my journals. And now I’m pushing GSM away because I’m afraid that the more time I spend with him, the more I’ll want and I can’t control that. My desire to stay in control of my feelings and fears of commitment of someone truly seeing me are blocking me from ironically getting the only thing I have ever wanted, a deep and intimate connection and knowing with and by another human being; to be seen and loved for who I am.
Yet, another part of me knows that we are eternal, we are light and that there is no separation. Another part of me loves who I am and that I am imperfectly perfect, that I am a divine Goddess. I find it difficult to consolidate these two very different ideas into my consciousness. How can I both be loving in light and completely unafraid of being seen? By remembering that I am loved, that memories of the past are not living in the now. I have laid the foundations for my life; I expect abundance, love, joy, peace, adventure and spectacular sex and most importantly, in this moment, I am happy.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about re-reading my journals is that many of the issues that I was dealing with in 1994, 2003 or 2007 I still haven’t changed, I haven’t learned or adjusted my thinking. I have learned that the patterns are still playing out. I have to remember the following affirmation: This is your life. This is not a rehearsal. This is it. Get your shit together. Let go of all that does not serve you. And like I said last week, take action to create the life you want. We may come back for another life, but why waste this opportunity when we have it here and now.
Blessings to you,
©Alyssa Curtayne, 2015.
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