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"Of course the things our partner does will trigger an ego reaction, even for the most spiritually evolved! I’m not suggesting for a second that this is an easy path, it will require work. But if we keep at the core a commitment to help each other to be the best version of ourselves then there cannot be any failure."
Relationships, I’ve written about them before and this week I’ve been talking to a friend about what it is that I want. I waver between an ego desire of a “normal” relationship with a wedding and romantic commitment (like I’ve been conditioned by society to expect) and a deep, inner calling to completely surrender to create something transformational. The latter is currently the louder voice! It is a redefining of a relationship based on the needs of the people in it. I’m not just talking about two people, it could be multiple. I don’t want that, but I’m open to the possibility if that’s what my choice in partner wants for his growth. I was trying to explain to my friend that I want to redefine relationships to be what is in the best interests of both (or all) involved.
I have been a conscious observer of relationships for four decades. I have seen many loved ones stay in relationships long after they needed reviving or leaving and more importantly I have seen people sacrifice their soul’s longing at the expense of placating their partner or maintaining the status quo. I have seen people in relationships wither up and die a little and they aren’t happy, but they still stay because of social expectation or fear of failure or fear of speaking up to express their needs.
A relationship should be soul expanding, not soul destroying. I first heard the term “Loveship” a couple of years ago by author Jeff Brown and I loved it. It was a new way of looking at relationship than the usual get married, have children and tolerate each other for the rest of your lives! The fact that as a society we have “jokes” about men and women’s roles in a relationship and there’s a silent apathy and digs at “the missus” for how she is. This is not an empowering model. Obviously it’s a model that works for some people and I’m happy for them, but I want more than my partner to make jokes with his mates about how I am. There is no spirituality in that. There is no authenticity, love or acceptance in that and there certainly isn’t any soul growth.
I agree so much when Jeff Brown says this: “I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another…I want to want you…because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding.” A soul-based relationship is what I want. One where we make it whatever we need for our own growth and evolution. I see it as a freeing concept because the core of it is soul growth and unconditional love and in that, we have someone by our side providing support.
What that means in practice, is that each partner helps the other to be the very best version of themselves in acceptance, compassion and understanding. This means, if they want to go on a three month trek to Nepal, we allow that, we don’t take it personally. We support their calling and they support ours. It doesn’t mean we part ways. It doesn’t mean that we have done something wrong; it means we hold space for them to do their own self-healing and inner work, we sit and hold their hand while they work through their stuff. There’s a great animation which shows what to do with someone who is depressed, and it’s like that, you cannot go with them into their shadows, but you can just be there to hold their hand and them yours.
In daily practice this means, showing your love of yourself and your partner through loving acts (words, touch, service, time, gifts) and finding a balance between self-development and giving your partner space to work through their stuff, but being there if they need you. But more importantly it means that you can honestly and openly communicate your needs to your partner and they lovingly accept that is where you are. Communication and deep authentic honesty is essential if this is to work.
As I was scrolling through my newsfeed today, this came up by Wes Angelozzi: “Go and love someone exactly as they are. And watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered” and that’s exactly what I mean.
Of course the things our partner does will trigger an ego reaction, even for the most spiritually evolved! I’m not suggesting for a second that this is an easy path, it will require work. But if we keep at the core a commitment to help each other to be the best version of ourselves then there cannot be any failure. Having expectation of how long it will last is irrelevant and blocks the flow of the connection. It could last a week, a month, a year or two or ten or a lifetime.
Separating a connection when it reaches its natural end is not a failure, sad in many ways yes, but not a failure and it certainly doesn’t make the two individuals failures. But what if it helps you be more of yourself? What if you become so very self-empowered because you have the love and acceptance of your partner, your friend, what if it doesn’t end, what if you can both grow and expand to be someone who you never imagined existed inside of you? That would be magic.
What if you could just be in the moment and go with the flow and allow love and soul growth to enter?
So, what do I want? I want a committed loveship, where two people who love each other and commit to be the best version of themselves through acceptance, compassion and understanding, for as long as the connection lasts. Maybe I can tell my friend that now that I know for sure what I want!
And so it is.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2016
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