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It was messy, it was painful at times and even now, the grief of leaving one behind grabs at my heart and I miss her, I miss our lives and the times which we shared.
I have just arrived home on the East Coast of Australia after driving in a convoy for more than 4000km with two daughters and a dog. We literally drove across the country in a week and it still boggles my mind how far and wide this big, beautiful country is.
There were places there where I doubt humans have ever set foot and that makes me extremely happy (mostly because I’m an introvert and I love the idea of places in the world where humans haven't ruined just yet).
Driving in a car, or any sort of commute really, is an excellent way for our brains to think. It is a time where we can process our day and let it all go, before we walk into the door in our homes, but for us, we weren’t just processing the day, but the past nine years. You see in 2011, I packed the three girls up and drove around Australia, we just happened to get stuck in the West for the past six. As we were driving we were remembering the wonderful, beautiful memories and friends and grieving and saying goodbye to our West Coast lives and our independent 20-year-old daughter and sister. But also packed in our cars were hopes, dreams and fears of our new lives in the East. We had days in the car when tempers were frayed, and we snapped at each other. There were kilometres where I just sobbed silently, the dog looking at me with his big, brown eyes and other kilometres where I wondered at the beautiful landscapes, the incredible times we were creating in this journey and the possibilities of the new adventure ahead.
Transitions are never easy. Think of childbirth – there is nothing clean or easy about that, it’s a messy process which, if you ask any mother, she will remember the pain coursing through her body during the birth – but at the end, we have this beautiful new adventure in our arms. And so it is with our transition from one side of the country to the other. It was messy, it was painful at times and even now, the grief of leaving one behind grabs at my heart and I miss her, I miss our lives and the times which we shared. And then I look around at what I have, and I start to see my life with three adult women, not three little girls. I start to see my new potential adventure of who I could be when they are all independent. I am simultaneously terrified and excited about this rebirthing that we are living through now, as I was when I gave birth to all of them. I am still in this transition and I’m not sure where I fit in our new reality but I’m allowing the possibilities to unfold.
Our transition, and completion of a circle (of the trip), has brought me back to the town where I grew up. I’m not exactly sure why I’m here, but I suspect it has something to do with my lack of a sense of belonging (something to unpack in another blog). But while our trip conclusion was a journey all four of us started together, this circle back to my home-town has an ever bigger life lesson in it for me. I know this already. So, until next time.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2020
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