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“When love is happening, don’t hanker for permanency. Think and brood, meditate and contemplate…the eternal. These moments are rare, love moments. Windows open easily, melting happens easily.
I saw this quote on Facebook recently and it hit me so suddenly, I have been using the ego as my main driver in my love interactions. My love comes with attachment, with expectations, with conditions. I wanted to find out why.
During the past 12 months I’ve undergone a transformation of sorts. It was triggered by two events; the sexual healing courses that I did with Leyolah Antara at Kundalini Dance and meeting and connecting with GSM (Gorgeous Sexy Man – see posts here or scroll down, I write about my growth with him a bit!).
Both events have awoken amazing energies within me that have brought my ego to the forefront to be released as an entity that runs my life. I have had two periods in the past 12 months where I felt like I was ready to die, to transition to a new state and I finally feel like I’m ready to shift it. At that time, this is what I wrote in my journal:
“I don’t know why I’m here, what is the point of my life? I’m missing something, there’s something that I should know but I don’t. I feel like I’m still living on the edge of life and not quite engaged in it.
Two nights ago I felt the strongest urge to die…the death that I felt was like, not a physical transition, but a movement upwards – all I can find on the net talks about ego death, but that can’t be it can it?
I feel like I’m just playing the game of life and filling the roles and somehow waiting for my life to begin, meanwhile 40 years have passed. When will my life begin? What is it that I’m missing? What is it that I’ve forgotten? I don’t understand the purpose of being here, now.
…I am so lost right now. I am at a crossroads and I have no idea where to go or what to do….
(Then this voice says) “You need to die to be reborn”
What does that mean? What does that look like?
“Let go and let us worry about the details.”
Let go? Of what?
“Of the illusion that you are this body; this life. “
(So I did some googling and found this quote by) Jeffrey M. Solomon which said (sorry I don’t have the reference):
“To let go of the body is to deny the ego. Death is the ultimate test of our faith in what we believe to be real. To face death – and the prospect of the end of the illusion and ego…it is the fear of death and lack of faith – that is the certainty of knowing yourself as a spiritual being as an energy being and an eternal being – that holds us captive.”
The transition is not about a physical death, or a death of my body, but more of a death of the mind, moving into a no-mind state where I am driven by spirit and love what is, no matter what arises. That is, to accept things without judgement, expectation or fear and be grateful for what is. I do not fear death, nor am I rushing towards it.
It’s been a cognitive knowing for quite some time, I even wrote about it previously (link) but I was verging on surrender for so long that I’m ready to let it go, to live my life, driven by spirit not my head.
That feeling of ego death comes and goes for me, but one of my favourite healers Christine Paskett said that it is a part of the process; it was a time of acclimatising and assimilating the learnings. Sort of like when you climb a mountain, the body can’t cope with the atmosphere, so you have to go up to get used to it and then return down before rising up again. It’s like that with spiritual growth, sometimes you come back down to clear out any of the debris left from the patterns to make sure that you understand it before going back up to a higher state of awareness. That’s why when you think you’ve dealt with all those issues, they come back up for clearing.
Every day I wake and am grateful for my life and do things which bring me joy. Not happiness, but a deep tangible feeling of joy and surrender to spirit and let it guide my every moment. Three teenage daughters test that daily, so I am grateful for their teaching me to stay centred in love, in authenticity, in who I am and I am light. Just for today, I am letting spirit guide me, I surrender to what is.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2015
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