Teacher, blogger and creator of the Chakra Cards, this website has something for everyone to feel amazing.
"So often in life, we put on these masks of what we are conditioned and expected in society to be and I did that. I let myself get lost in the collective story, rather than holding true to my story."
I've been reflecting lately on what it means to have an ego death. I think that I'm finally coming out the other side of mine and it's been a massive three-year journey just to get to this place when I can start to feel again.
For me, the drive into my "death" was multi-faceted; I had just started my Chakra Cards business, I met my partner, I hurt my neck in a headstand, my daughters were proving very challenging teenagers to parent, I started working full-time and I had started my yoga teacher journey which ended with me dropping out of yoga altogether and questioning why I was adopting a belief system that COMPLETELY belonged to another culture and another time.
Without yoga, I didn't know who I was - it had become my identity both on and off the mat - and in it my ego felt grand and important, and superior to others. Looking back, it was inevitable that I would crash with those belief systems. What followed was the surrender of care for my health and ceasing all exercise, increased apathy about my future and complete despondency about life.
For many months I wallowed in grief about losing my home, my new life as a partner and my changing role as the mother of three almost-adult children, not little ones. Then those months turned into years and only now, after months of psychological help am I able to see my way out of this existential or mid-life crisis or however you want to label it.
Some of the things that helped me during this time was self-reflecting through journalling and the Chakra Cards, returning to the things that had helped me in the past like alternative healers and strangely, looking at photos of me as a child. When I looked into my eight year old eyes, I could see her hopes and dreams and I could see how I had surrendered those because of life's circumstances. So often in life, we put on these masks of what we are conditioned and expected in society to be and I did that. I let myself get lost in the collective story, rather than holding true to my story.
I had completely forgotten who I was. I was metaphorically standing there naked with all aspects of my "self" as puzzle pieces - waiting for me to put them back onto my body. I didn't. I chose to stay in that hollowness for many months until the first piece of who I really am became apparent; that I am Tasmanian. It is my home and my birthright. It is my story and my heritage and it is embedded so very firmly into who I am that it brings tears to my eyes to feel that ownership of identity within me.
I have the first piece of myself back.
Every day I try on different things and see if they fit, but nothing has given me that same emotional, primal feeling of that first puzzle piece, and so I keep exploring who I think I was and who I might be. I'm very aware now of how easily our egos can lead us down paths that we THINK is the right thing and I'm cautious in not going down that path again.
This morning I saw Russell Brand talking about his own crisis, and I realised that I'm not alone in this - others have had it happen before and you might be going through your own crisis right now or in the future - but it's a really important phase in our spiritual development. I wouldn't ever want to live through the past three years again, but you never know, This re-birth might be just the best thing I've ever done.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2019
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