Teacher, blogger and creator of the Chakra Cards, this website has something for everyone to feel amazing.
What's your greatest fear? I have two: a tsunami - completely irrational and without any basis in reality, and a real fear of being a bride in a wedding.
Yesterday, I went with my daughters to try on gowns for our wedding in 2020. I was filled with anxiety and tried to find excuses not to go; to not be put in a position where I would be the centre of attention - hence the fear of being a bride.
When I married their father, it was an office ceremony, where I had to "revert" to Islam first (however, I was never a Christian) and speak in a language I didn't understand, before paying my own dowry of one Egyptian pound. Needless to say, the marriage didn't last with that sort of beginning. I never had a wedding, it was almost a non-event and I successfully avoided being the centre of attention.
We walked into the boutique with the intention of helping to come to some level of comfort in being a bride. My plan was to try on some dresses, get comfortable and then buy something cheap online. I tried on the first dress and felt like a giant, white pavlova. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, not because of the beautiful dresses, but because I couldn't look at myself, I couldn't cope with my three favourite people in the world (and the assistant) looking at me and asking for MY opinion on how I liked the dress.
It was extraordinary. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I didn't feel worthy.
I didn't feel worthy of being seen, being beautiful or being admired. I so desperately wanted to be happy on such an exciting occasion but was crippled by self-doubt and self-criticism. Aby, the attendant was wonderful, she just looked at me and said: "let's just try on one dress at a time." So, that's what we did and as we went on I told her the parts of the dress I liked and the parts I didn't like until we found a dress that I just didn't want to take off. It was beautiful.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror, the extra 8kg that I've been carrying over the past three years felt sad about how I have been hiding from being who I truly am and from living my authentic truth.
When I met Kind Man, I had my walls up and tried to hide from him. I stopped exercising, he brought new changes to my diet and it could be one of those weight gains that people have when they start dating, but I think subconsciously I was trying to protect myself from letting him see me. I was trying to scare him away by making myself more and more unattractive to him - instead, he loves me more and sees through my attempts.
Recently I went to a kinesiologist and we uncovered a memory which I had forgotten. I was about seven and a flower girl for my aunt's wedding. My instructions were to walk down the aisle slowly when the music began. I did what I thought was a wonderful job until somebody came down and pulled me back to tell me it was the wrong song. Somewhere in my body I've carried the shame of that memory and the fear of being seen for more than 35 years. No wonder I strive to be invisible. No wonder when I look back on my life I see how I've opted out of social situations and letting people see and hear me. I suspect that at school most of my peers thought I was snobbish - but I think it's more likely I was so busy trying to hide from being seen that I came across in that way.
So, I know now why I hide from being seen and I feel empowered.
I know that I am worthy,
I am enough.
It is safe for me to receive Kind Man's love.
I don't need to carry around the wounds of my past, this physical weight and remain elusive and hidden.
When I stood in my dress I cried. It was the realisation that I deserve to be seen and to stand in a beautiful gown and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
And I am going to face this fear of being seen, and I will conquer it, one dress at a time.
©Alyssa Curtayne 2019
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