Alignment is a Lot Harder than it Sounds
To live a creative life takes courage (and a level of financial security and faith)
It's been a while since I've shared anything - mostly because I'm not on FB very much these days, I'm taking my life back, one app at a time!
As a result of having more screen-free time, I’ve over-committed myself to four, casual paid jobs (five, including my summer job driving buses) and trying to squeeze my passions in the margins and still feel human. I’m beginning to see that I am an overachiever, who operates in a poverty mindset - and yet - I’m still not aligned with my needs, my passions, or the path I want in my life.
“And where, oh where, is my creative time? When will I ever get those 35 novels written if I don’t have time for them because I’m so busy surviving?”
I want a creative life. I need a creative life. Creativity is my number one value and without it, I sort of wither and die a little inside - whether it’s creativity in writing or journaling, planning an adventure, or designing (and not taking action) on my patio garden for the thousandth time, I’m always in creative mode. A manifesting generator in Human Design.
But working four jobs at the moment is leaving me giddy with overwhelm. I could give or take all of those jobs, I do them because I can, they are how I pay for life, but if I don’t work, how will I pay the roof over my head? And where, oh where, is my creative time? When will I ever get those 35 novels written if I don’t have time for them because I’m so busy surviving?
Part of me does this because I’m scared that if I’m not working for a salary, I’ll lose what credibility I have as a “teacher,” and yet, I’ve never felt more ready than to let my teacher registration slip. What is this fear that won’t let me take the full plunge into a creative life? I think part of the problem is that I don’t know WHAT a creative life might look like without the restrictions of 9am-5pm and school weeks and terms. If I can’t imagine a potential future, how will it be able to manifest?
Most coaches advise six to twelve months of savings before you commit to your “side hustle” (or at least have a partner or family who will support you). I’ve said it before; living a creative life is a privilege. It would take me years to save $60,000 - for one year’s survival - and in the meantime, I’ll get another hundred ideas for books, or projects - when will I get time to do them?
It’s like the universe is testing me by saying: “how much do you want that creative life? Here, have another job opportunity!” It keeps throwing these opportunities at me, and right now I’m drowning because I have not said no, but more importantly I haven’t said “yes” to my dream. My bank is healthy, certainly in this moment, but my soul is dying.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have three choices: (since the lottery is not forthcoming!):
Trust. I need to trust myself, my projects (and the universe), and back myself. I need to trust that and free-fall into a creative life and be prepared to accept the consequences, good and bad.
I need to accept that perhaps this period is my time of savings, and I just have to suck it up and put my creative dreams on hold for a little while longer.
I need someone to help me build a strategic plan to get me out of this multiple casual jobs funk I’m in, perhaps a coach or someone in business to help make an achievable plan (but again, where do I create the time?)
This is it. This is the moment where I can continue to play this capitalist game and live with the regret of not having written those books, or the fairy tale podcast, or the hundreds of other ideas I have that drive my happiness OR I can take that leap of faith and 100% commit to my creativity and live the life of my dreams.
And I’m terrified. Terrified that I’ll have to sell my home. Terrified that I’ll not have the skills to succeed. Terrified that my family will treat me differently because I’ve taken an alternative path than conservatism. Terrified of aligning to my true self because that will make me vulnerable to the perspectives of others.
But if I don’t do this, I’ll live with regret that I had the chance to be the best version of myself, create beautiful heart-centred books and projects, and I was too scared to take that opportunity. And I want a life with no regrets more than I want to stay in capitalist stasis. I want to be fully who I am, without apology. That takes courage in a world where money rules.
I’ve had this opportunity for radical self-commitment once before. I didn’t think I had the choice then, but I did. And it begins with getting comfortable with living with the consequences of my choices. I can’t take that decision back, but I can be courageous now. 3, 2, 1…jump!
~ Alyssa
p.s. If you’d like to support me for my dreams - please share my books and work with your networks, borrow (or request) my books in your local library (Australia) and keep following your dreams, don’t let creative stasis become the norm.
