It was messy, it was painful at times and even now, the grief of leaving one behind grabs at my heart and I miss her, I miss our lives and the times which we shared.
I have just arrived home on the East Coast of Australia after driving in a convoy for more than 4000km with two daughters and a dog. We literally drove across the country in a week and it still boggles my mind how far and wide this big, beautiful country is.
I wonder if, on some level, I enjoy the stress of moving; it creates excitement in my life and gives me something to look forward to.
Have you ever felt like you don't belong somewhere? It feels like I've spent my entire life searching for this illusive place where I belong. I'm yet to find it. In approximately 20 days, I will be driving 4500km across the country, back to where I was born. For a long time, I've felt disconnected from the place where I currently live and it's never felt like home, I've never felt like I belonged here. So when I went through my existential crisis here, one of the first things to resonate as a part of my re-birthed identity was my home; my soul and ancestral home. Once I discovered it, it was only a matter of time until I decided to return. Now, with 20ish days to go after nine years away, I'm packing...
And without getting to the core beliefs - which are likely to be untrue - how can I possibly change the mind of someone online, let alone change my deep held beliefs about my worth and purpose?
My depression feels like this giant blanket, which, no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake it off. It's heavy and weighted and even though I desperately want to feel happiness, the blanket is so pervasive that I have little chance of removing it, and to be honest part of me wants it to stay there because it's comfortable and familiar. However, I've learned there are a couple of positives for my own spiritual growth in experiencing depression...
In this predicament, I don't think I am alone - I think many people are feeling this extreme feeling of believing the best in people to thinking that perhaps a global extinction would not be a bad thing.
I find myself in a bit of an ethical and moral predicament. On one hand I believe wholly and solely in the ability and potential of the human being to be the most wonderful creature ever created, and on the other, I despair at the nastiness, greed and psychopathy of the human species. It's like at this point in time we are witness to the complete duality of light and dark, good and evil and wonder and despair...