What if your wish comes true?
“I’ve been looking out of a window for 18 years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be?” (Tangled, Disney, 2010)
I walked out of contractual teaching jobs in June 2023 after years of wishing for another path. It’s taken nearly 2.5 years since then, but I’m officially nearly out of the profession that has been both incredibly rewarding and insanely frustrating and soul-destroying. This period has not been easy and had I listened to my intuition when it started knocking about 10 years ago, perhaps I’d be further along, but dwelling in the past won’t help.
““I’m learning how to live without toileting or eating at “recess” and “lunchtime,” and reimagining my life not bound by school hours or terms. And it’s exhilarating. It’s taken me a long while to learn how to be and listen to my intuition again.””
But it was one of those things, I stopped listening to the universe’s hintsAl until it became unsustainable; until my heart broke. I was lucky enough to find a school near home that was safe and welcoming and I earned money there as a casual. The staff and students were kind and welcoming and I found a space where I could heal my broken teacher’s heart. And while I healed, I started “throwing spaghetti at the wall” in an attempt to find a new direction.
I’ve driven wine tour buses in the valley. I’ve juggled three to four casual jobs at a time and on the side, I’ve been working on my creative pursuits. I’ve spent hours in counselling, working through my teacher wounds and when I was in England in early 2024, I told my journey of teaching in an informal storytelling performance. This moment was both emotionally draining and a huge relief. It felt like I could put words to the pain of what I describe as “death by a thousand cuts”. Teaching is a challenging job, particularly in high schools. Over the years, verbal abuse, backchat, holding space for kids, being always “on” with attention, rapid decision making and problem solving, and threats of violence took a toll. My nervous system was craving rest, and nearly three years later, I feel like I’ve finally relaxed back into my body. I’m learning how to live without toileting or eating at “recess” and “lunchtime,” and reimagining my life not bound by school hours or terms. And it’s exhilarating. It’s taken me a long while to learn how to be and listen to my intuition again.
With all that spaghetti-throwing, I think I was attempting to find my dream, my voice, a clear direction, and purpose. At what point did I lose my dream of life and drown in the getting on with living, of just surviving and going through the motions?
After narrowing my focus down, I now have a nebulous direction, it’s still not crystal clear but I’m much closer now than I was two years ago. I’ve started focusing on dreams, both big and little. And although I don’t have one big, “North Star” or clear dream like Rapunzel in the movie, I do have many little dreams of a life well-lived.
This week, I did a stocktake of all my goals that I’ve already achieved, and it feels good knowing that once upon a time I did have dreams to aim for. I like having direction, and now that I’ve turned away from teaching in a classroom setting, new opportunities are opening up and I feel much more aligned with who I am and who I had forgotten I was.
My intuition is returning and although I did once dream of becoming a teacher, that dream is now over. I AM a teacher, but that doesn’t mean I need to be bound to the classroom for the rest of my life. It’s time to create a new dream, to set a new North Star, but where that will be will depend upon continuing to heal and regulate my nervous system, trust in my intuition and to allow myself to dream all the possible paths my life may take.
Flynn Rider: “It will be.”
Rapunzel: “And what if it is? What do I do then?”
Flynn Rider: “Well, that’s the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.”
