What if I Believed in Myself and my Path?
I’ve been notably quiet in sharing my latest things on social media in recent months; perhaps it’s an internal retreat for the colder months here in Perth, or perhaps I’m working through a range of emotions that come with ageing, either way, I’m sure people aren’t chomping at the bit to hear the latest from ‘Alyssa Curtayne’!
But underlying all of it, is the belief that I am not good enough; that when people get to know me, they will not like me. Beliefs like: I don’t have friends, I don’t let anyone get close to me because they will hurt me and why would anyone get to know me? And this emotion seeps from my pores like a bad sweat, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I have a handful of incredible humans who have said things about me like: “powerhouse creative,” “you lead the way and we’ll follow in your wake,” “you’re so inspiring”, “how do you do it all?” about my many projects, and three daughters who have seen me at my best and worst and who still love me. But if I do not believe in myself, how can I possibly imagine anyone else will?
I’ve been writing now since the late 1990s, and I still haven’t got a traditional publishing deal. I feel a sense of inferiority around other writers (particularly those who are traditionally published) and yet, there is no reason for doubting my writing. My creative minor thesis in post-graduate studies was compared to the writing of Angela Carter and Margaret Atwood! And yet, I can’t step into this identity because of a deep-seated fear, that I am inadequate, so I tell myself that perhaps the assessor didn’t know what they were talking about!
“I know there are others out there who feel as I do - highly successful, high-achieving women who do not feel enough, even with our achievements on paper. I hope that if this is you, you know that you’re not alone in feeling like hiding in your hobbit hole.”
Of course, this belief was set down in childhood in the 1970s Australian parenting recommendations, the small town community I grew up in, and feeling alone for most of my life without friends or a supportive network. I rely only on myself because people tend to let me down. I have very few childhood memories and have likely disassociated most of my life. I know this because it’s my go-to response when I’m under stress. I could go on but…
I’m so tired of being in this victim state, being a victim of not having a secure attachment in infancy.
I’m tired of popping out of my hobbit hole, venturing out a little bit, building confidence, and then getting scared and hiding away for another couple of months, sometimes years.
I’m tired of walking into a room and wanting to hide in the corner, wanting to support others, but feeling that at any moment my fragile glass self would shatter.
One of my strengths is creating opportunities for others and helping others shine. But what if I allowed myself to believe I am enough to shine?
I could label it imposter syndrome, a lack of confidence, or social anxiety, but these are all staying with victimhood and not confronting the beliefs that are actually probably NOT EVEN MINE! They probably belong to the generations upon generations of trauma of displacement via the convict criminal system, migration, and poverty in my family line.
So, what do I do to shift this? How do I become someone who believes in themselves and walks into a room with confidence in JUST BEING MYSELF - not for accolades or achievements - but being appreciated by others just for being me? Australia has a well-known cultural phenomenon of “tall poppy syndrome” and takes people down regularly the moment they step out of their place. Not only am I pushing through my own conditioning, but also cultural, social, familial, and community norms.
Believing in myself feels somewhat arrogant or egocentric. Who am I to think that I’m the ‘shiz’? Or that people will read my books and writing, or come to my events, or support my artistic career. And of course, Marianne Williamson famously said: “Who are you not to?” As you can see, I’m still processing this and have been for some time.
Perhaps I need a ceremony - a “coming out/coming of age” type of ceremony to celebrate a new, confident me. An “Artistic Come Out”, “A Becoming” or a “Rite of Sovereignity,” to mark a moment that says goodbye to my childhood wounds, my past career (that I sort of just fell into), and welcomes in a purpose-driven, confident version of me. A shift forward with no turning back.
Although, I’m not there just yet, this process of writing a public journal entry seems to help in some way. I know there are others out there who feel as I do - highly successful, high-achieving women who do not feel enough, even with our achievements on paper. I hope that if this is you, you know that you’re not alone in feeling like hiding in your hobbit hole. Because I think ultimately, this is about building a community around me of people I believe in, and who believe in me, so we can bump ourselves up when we are feeling low. So if that’s you, let’s stay in touch.
Until next time,
~ Alyssa
